Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

As is my new routine, I am up early this morning, alone in the quiet of twilight, writing.  Again, I woke up with a sense of dis-ease inside me, and noticed myself getting more and more anxious trying to shake it off.  Part of the problem was I had been unsure when I fell asleep what I was going to write about in the morning, and this was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.  I started feeling anxious about time, and whether I could produce anything of value before I had to get dressed, rush off to personal training, and then take on the rest of my day at the hospital, which has been rather high intensity lately.  I fell into the trap of judging my feelings.  I’m thinking “Changing your thoughts is so hard! I cannot believe how negative my brain operates!  I had no idea how predisposed to fearful, critical, and negative thoughts I am!”  Knowing that I was in somewhat of a mental downward spiral, I knew I needed an intervention.

Thinking positive thoughts to create positive outcomes is not about eliminating negative thoughts.  This is a key piece to remember.  A lot of people balk at the idea of the power of positive thinking or the laws of attraction because it feels disingenuous or unrealistic…for as many gifts as life does offer, you simply cannot deny that it is  also fraught with disappoints and despair as well.  Anyone who has suffered a loss can tell you that.  Attracting positive outcomes is actually not about eliminating negativity from our lives, it’s about making a decision of what we pay attention to.  Training the brain to switch one’s attention away from that which scares us, to that which we love, is where the work comes in.  I believe that simply making the choice to move in that direction immediately starts to bring rewards if you are open to seeing them.  For me, since I get very caught in my head sometimes, pictures can be an effective intervention in managing my thoughts.  I look at pictures of things that I love and that make me happy, and I immediately start to feel at ease.

I sat down to write and opened my internet browser this morning and it defaulted to Bing and I studied the picture of Glacier National Park in Argentina that Bing was featuring today.  I thought to myself about how Bing supports my mission because they always post pictures of some of the most beautiful places on earth, and how amazing it is that we have no idea what is even out there on our planet when we are so caught up in our own tiny communities.  (I am slowly starting to feel better and more inspired)  Next, something else I love caught my eye.  At the bottom of the page, Bing features topics that everyone is talking about.  The first one listed said “Oprah Nielsen.”  Hmm….  I thought it was Oprah Winfrey?  I clicked on the link just to see if it was the same Oprah (cuz how many can there be) and was brought to an article describing how Oprah had issued an apology for “begging” her viewers who have a Nielsen box to watch her TV network OWN.

I seriously love Oprah.  Perhaps Oprah’s most prominent feature is the fact that she is a powerhouse of a media mogul, but this is not the true reason I love her.  Oprah’s authenticity surrounding her insecurities and flaws in the context of all of her success is truly moving to me.  Oprah has said that what drives her success is that she always felt like she had to prove something because she never felt good enough.  Well in my eyes, she proved it.  And the humility she still possesses is a lesson to me that achieving in life is not about being perfect.  I do not have to have “perfectly trained thoughts” to get where I want to go.  In fact, being imperfect, aware of my imperfection, and honest about it, could possibly separate me from the pack.  In my eyes, Oprah is separated from the pack as a result of the vulnerability she chooses to share with the world.

She is in trouble for making a comment on twitter urging her fans to watch her network and increase her ratings.  She issued an apology, and now it is front page news.  Even in my small scale life, it is easy for me to imagine impulsively and excitedly making some similar type of error, and the embarrassment I would feel if this were misinterpreted as desperate or impure in motive.  It certainly wouldn’t make front page news, and would probably be forgotten pretty quickly.  I imagine it is no easy feat for Oprah to shake off the public blasting she receives when she mis-steps.  I hope Oprah finds my blog post so that she knows that I am grateful that today I saw her name this morning.  Oprah’s silly “mistake” resulted in her name being posted on Bing, which resulted in my seeing something I love, which resulted in my being inspired on a topic to write about, which resulted in my complete energy shift. She is vulnerable to being swept up in the negative focus that is on her at the current moment, which would be totally unfortunate, for there are many people focusing on her amazing presence on this earth, myself being one of them.  We are all truly are what we chose to focus on….even Oprah.

The key for me is gratitude for my current circumstances combined with a clear vision of where I still want to go.  It seems to be easier to do one or the other.  If you’re comfortable in your current life. perhaps you’re looking down at your feet instead of up at the horizon.  Thinking that your life is “ok,” getting “ok results in return.” Similarly, sometimes we find ourselves thinking about what we wish we had, and falling into the trap of “my life will begin when I…” thinking.

It was a pivotal moment for me in my own eating disorder treatment 15 years ago when the therapist said to me, “do you realize that your life is right now? And it passing you by at a rapid pace, while you are sitting here wishing and waiting for it to start.” It is when I am both grateful for what I have currently, and focused on what I love, that I bring more of that which I love, into my life.

This morning when the alarm went off at 4:45 I momentarily thought to myself, “I’m too tired, I can’t wake up right now,” and then I reminded myself how much I love being up when the world is quiet, with my cup of French Roast in my white sweater mug, alone with my positive thoughts of the present, and abundant dreams of the future. And so now here I sit re-working my goals for the next 1-5 years with profound optimism.

FYI, my life is not without struggles.  Profound optimism is the choice that I’m making, and this was not in my mental vocabulary sitting on that therapists couch in 1997, for example.  And when I think back to where I was versus where I am now, I am truly already a success story.

This is my first post written from my early Valentines Day present from my love. This totally unexpected amazing gift is more evidence of the power of daily thoughts of abundance. I feel closer to my dreams with this amazing writing tool, and ever closer to my husband-to-be with every passing day.

Believe me, he’s smiling on the inside.

You can think it’s hokey or an unrealistic exaggeration that just our thoughts are the number one determining factor in our outcomes, but I challenge you to spend even just one day non-judgmentally monitoring your thought process.  Notice how many times you take in a breath to begin telling a story that criticizes someone else, how many times you take  pause in what you’re doing when a feeling of fear or disdain enters your mind, how many times you find yourself projecting an unpleasant image or outcome of your future.  I think you will be shocked at the frequency of these occurrences.  I know I was.

We as human beings are far more comfortable focusing on external circumstances as measures of our reality, than our internal processes as predictors of our future outcomes.  Consider shifting your focus today to your thoughts, versus your circumstances.  If you usually walk around feeling broke and uneasy about your financial future, imagine instead “How would I think if I were rich today?”  Would I think about being more charitable to others?  Would I feel more confident walking down the hallway at work?  Would I think nothing of having conversations with others that used to annoy and overwhelm me?   Would I feel inspired to make some new fiscally sound decisions…inspired, not deprived.

If you normally feel “fat” (although I frequently remind my clients that fat is not a feeling) imagine instead asking yourself “How would I think differently if I were physically fit today?”  Would I think that healthy foods will fuel this physical powerhouse that I am?  Would I think that “I can’t wait to go to the gym after work and let go of all the days intensities with a good sweat session,”?  Would I believe that people probably noticed my shiny attractive presence, and found me attractive, for I feel like it’s emanating from me.

In examining the examples I have laid out, can you see how you would likely get better external outcomes just by replacing the negative thought patterns you noticed when you took inventory, with these new thought patterns you have adopted.  Before you assume that “it will never work,” consider the idea that we are creatures that incredibly comfortable with status quo.  We are risk averse because if we don’t make changes, we can always blame external circumstances on our outcomes.  If we consider that our own thoughts drive our own actions that create our own outcomes, there is ownership there.  Personal responsibility.  I am responsible for the condition of my life.  Some people feel scared of this because no one or nothing else to blame.  I personally think this is the most optimistic and emotionally freeing concept there is.

I will share that in my own life, I notice these principles affecting even the simplest and most subtle facets of my life.  Conversations with colleagues or loved ones that have the potential to feel intimidating or uncomfortable, feel productive and non-emotionally laden.  I do not think there’s problem, so amazingly, there isn’t one.

Even if this blog entry comes through as blah blah blah psycho-babble, I invite you to just do one exercise and stop there.  Notice each time the fearful, critical, cynical, or hateful thoughts bubble up in you throughout today.

If you’re feeling really crazy today, like a crazy wild risk taker, take the next step:

Think the most loving thought you can conjure up.  If your negativity was towards someone else, picture them like a cute little bird, injured from circumstances in the course of their lifetime, and love them where they are, flaws and all.  If your negativity was towards yourself, think of yourself as the most beautiful, innocent, and shining star of a human being, deserving of love, support, and every amazing gift life is about to bring you.  See what happens…

This is such blah and non-descript time of year, so I was really looking forward to taking a little mini trip last Saturday with Todd to spend the night at the inn where we’re getting married.  The drive was so beautiful, and as usual, any uneasiness I feel melts away as I gaze out at the country side.

As we got closer to our destination, Todd said “Look there’s our chapel!”  And through the bare winter trees, I could see the site of our wedding ceremony just 10 short months away!  I tried to imagine the same trees all dressed up in their autumn splendor.

We arrived at the Inn and I said to Todd how special it is that we have a place where it all began, that we can continue to come to for years, and as our family expands.

We were staying in “Sarah’s room,” which is a perfect little room facing the woods behind the house, with two lush arm armchairs and a fireplace.  I guess this is what happens in the first ten minutes of arriving if you don’t have a TV:

"Isn't This Romantic?"

After dinner we spent the evening in the living room relaxing.  Todd did crossword puzzles and I looked at books with wedding ideas to get inspired.

I personally love an early bed time and a restful sleep on a quick weekend trip, because I wake up early so rested and refreshed!  While Todd was in the shower, I put on my boots right over my pajamas and slipped out the french doors our bedroom into the brisk early morning sunshine.  The room we are staying in for our wedding night is directly next to us, looking out on the same back woods.  Standing there by the wood pile I felt emotional thinking about the years of history in this very spot, and how in just a few short months I will be standing in this same spot, now somebody’s wife, immortalized as part of the inn’s history.

Afterwards, we went downstairs and had a delicious home cooked Vermont breakfast before getting on the road and heading home.

Since this is a Health and Wellness Blog, I will conclude by saying that I highly recommend brief, inexpensive little trips in the dead of winter, to be somewhere beautiful and do absolutely nothing.  It’s good for the soul, and for personal productivity.

Here is a picture of my crack-of-dawn workspace!  My inspiration this morning is the chapter I read right before bed last night which discussed how dreams are evidence that our thoughts control our outcomes.  Wayne was saying that our bodies have bio-physical reactions to the stories we tell in our dreams, and that we do not know that the dream is made up, until we wake up.  He went on to say that we spend a third of our lives dreaming, and that the quality of our lives would be transcendent if we were open to the possibilities that would occur from creating our outcomes from thoughts in our head, such as we do when we sleep.

Wouldn’t you know that I went on to have bad dreams last night.  UGH!!!  I woke up grumpy, but as I was preparing to sit down to write this morning, I poured a cup of coffee and started giggling at the irony.  The book says our lives mirror the dream process because we create our dreams with our thoughts, and here I am having a bad dream right after a read the chapter.  Hmmm…sounds like I may have some work to do.  So I started thinking about the themes in my dreams last night, and realized not only were they not “bad” per se, they were messages about my tendency to not notice or believe in the love around me, my own value, and my inability to make decisions.  The dreams were not bad, but waking up grumpy showed me that my reaction to the content was bad, (even in my sleep state,)  and that needs to change.

In last nights chapter, Wayne went on to talk about the concept of willingness, and openness.  He used his own incredible story of pursuing his professional goals to illustrate the concept of “willingness” when pursuing our dreams.  This started off as the age old concept of “if you want your dreams to come true, you have to be willing to make what ever sacrifice to get there.”  He shared that in his conferences, members of the audience sometimes ask “I have slaved for years trying to make my dreams come true and I still haven’t achieved them, why am I different?”  He says that he responds “What is it that you were not willing to sacrifice to achieve them?” and they always went on to list things they weren’t willing to give up– ie uprooting their family to pursue a dream, leaving the security of a full time job etc.

I have to say, whenever someone talks about “doing whatever it takes,” a subtle feeling of dread usually bubbles up for me.  I feel pressured and scared!!  But now this is where the chapter really got interesting for me.  He actually addressed that exact concept and said that “doing whatever it takes” to pursue your dream should not feel like suffering.  Perhaps if it feels like suffering, you are pursuing the wrong dream.  The process starts with “willingness” but continues with “openness.”  Openness is the idea that you perceive every day that brings you closer to your ultimate dream as a gift and an enrichment of your life.  It got me thinking, this subtle shift is really not so subtle and could take one’s quality of life from a place of fear, uncertainty, and dread, to a place of expectancy, richness, and optimism.  You are waiting to accomplish a goal, but along the way, a million mini gifts reveal themselves.  That sure makes the day a lot easier to face, doesn’t it??

I am interested to see the mini gifts that today will bring, and I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my unsettling dreams.  Look out!! I’m gonna go make some decisions today!!

As part of my research, I am reading this fascinating book called “You’ll See It When You Believe It,” by Wayne Dyer, and I’m working on learning how to “transcend” myself.  Over the years, “self help” concepts have had a bad rap with me.  People who thought like that, wrote like that, or taught like that seemed superficial and trite.  Remember Stuart Smalley?  “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and Gosh Darnit, people like me.”  Here, our society has made a total mockery of the Affirmation process through Saturday night live.  Affirmations however, are based in science, and we have learned so much about the power of our own thoughts in our outcomes and successes. It’s way easier to make fun of things then to try them out, though.

I have always been somewhat of a bull in a china shop when it comes to accomplishing goals and scratching things off my to-do list, so I am no stranger to self improvement.  However, I have had a gnawing feeling in the last year or so that I really need to “transcend” my current existence.  I think I may have hit the proverbial wall in the House of Self Improvement.  I have had moments of clarity when was in the creative zone, and my goals and aspirations seemed clear and effortless, but those moments slip away, and are replaced quickly with “real life.”  I put “real life” in quotes, because in my observation, this is what the average person (myself included, for most of my life) believes is the normal way to live–  we believe t’s “corny” to “transcend.”  Unrealistic to believe all things are possible instead of focusing on getting through the tasks of the day.  A list of tasks with bull-in-china-shop-tunnel-vision-focus is simply not transcendent.

If there is one thing that has been highlighted again and again as I do my research, it’s that in the aforementioned sentence, “real life” should be replaced with “fear and negativity.”  Just in simply paying attention to what comes up for me when I slip out of creativity, and back to reality, time and again it is a fearful or negative thought or assumption.  The trick here, because the habit is so deeply imbedded, is not to criticize or be fearful of the critical or fearful thoughts.

For example, I have been thinking a lot about how to meet my long term goals, and this weekend I made decision to try to start waking up early to find more time in the day when it’s quiet and I function best to write, research and meditate.  This morning, my alarm clock went off early, and I was immediately filled with dread.  My engagement ring was so tight from all the salty food I ate this weekend that I could barely work it off my finger.  My eyes looked puffy and I felt physically exhausted.  As I focused on unpleasant thoughts about my physical form, more fears were hurling at me about time, the rest of the day, my lifestyle in general, and I became nearly frozen, overcome with fear about my ability to transcend anything this morning. The typical next thinking phase would be: “Dammit!  I am so fearful!!  How can I call myself a professional and accept people’s money to help them get better when I can’t even practice what I preach??”  With this next and final thought, my beautiful morning plan would come to a screeching halt, and I would not be sitting here in the dark, producing.

So I stood in my bathroom, looked in the mirror at my puffy tired eyes and instead I said to myself, “This research is fascinating.  It’s true! When I pay attention, I notice that time and again I default to thoughts of fear and negativity!”  But here is the key piece: my fear and judgement is not what stops me.  It’s the power I give them.  I think where I got in trouble before is that when the fear crept up, I immediately felt like a failure again.  This morning I said, “Oh, here is evidence for my research.  I am noticing that I am currently having fearful and negative thoughts, because that’s what I sometimes do, and there is no judgment attached to that noticing.  I just am.  And now I’m going to pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down to write.

Suddenly I realize I accomplished my goal.  It’s 6:30 am, and I am alone with the world.  I am already a success today and not even a puffy face could have stopped me.

Ok I have to say, I think I am really enjoying 2012 so far.  Beyond the obvious areas of things to be happy and excited about (my upcoming wedding, my upcoming Honeymoon, embarking on the journey of motherhood, to name a few) I have some very exciting projects for both my businesses, and my mind and body are currently in great physical condition.  The more scientific and personal research I have done on the power of our brain and thought patterns, the more excited I become about what life will continue to bring me in the upcoming year…and to my clients.  What a powerful spot to be in, when you are confident that life is going to continue to reward you, and all you have to do is show up– committed to being your very best self.  Not only committed, but BELIEVING this is possible.  Traditional therapy and self-help tends to reinforce the notion that we are broken people, and even those who were inspired to “repair” themselves, are haunted by the notion that they were somehow flawed.  I know at this point in my life that I was never flawed, I had just not tapped into the energy and resources that were within me.  I wish to be careful not to speak so broadly that I risk my message being lost in the flourish, so I will remind my readers that every day I break it down small for myself by affirming these truths:

• My evolved brain ALWAYS has a choice, and I never HAVE to respond to animalistic fears or urges
• I choose: sleep, hydration, exercise, nutritious eating, and to not use substances
• If I ever indulge in an area I am not comfortable, I simply do not have to stay there, and life goes back to normal as if nothing ever happened.  Beating myself up for transgressions is no longer a part of who I am.
• People are beautiful, and deserve to be loved and made to feel special where they are, flaws and all.  This approach will bring the best out of others, and in that, everyone wins.
• There will be good times, and there will be bad times.  The only thing we can count on is that we cannot predict the future.  I perceive that enthusiastically and trust that pain passes, and life will continue to bring new gifts if my heart is open to receiving them.

When I break these tenets down small and string them together one day at a time, momentum sets in.   And one day I looked around and said “wow…my life is pretty amazing….”

I’m sure you’ve been waiting for an update on my personal training journey!!  I am invested in personal training with Terry for two reasons: 1) This has been the only physical activity I’ve engaged in within the last 5 years that has shown me significant results, and 2) I am not bored or feeling compelled to avoid or change the plan as I so often have with other fitness routines.  I believe I am still at the point where the visual results are subtle in my every day clothes, but in my workout clothes, I can tell, a whole new shape is being revealed.  Terry always says “Anyone can lose weight, personal training allows you to have a whole new body.”   When someone loses weight without training, all they will get is a smaller version of the exact same body.  So the first incentive is vanity, but I have to tell you, the hook is now the amazing feeling of physical strength.  I love flying up the stairs in my daily life, and the awe I felt as I raised my entire body weight up and down during upright dips this morning!

Unfortunately this is not me, but this is an upright dip!

On December 17th I had my first weigh and measure session and had the following amazing results:

• -7.5 pounds
• -3.5 inches in my upper waist
• -4 inches in my lower waist
• -2.25 inches in my hips
• -1.7 % body fat
• -1.3 BMI

Terry says by this time next year I will literally look like a different person.  I know the holidays set me back in terms of what I could have accomplished in December and January because I got sloppy with my food from time to time, but I did stay consistent with my physical activity and that is what a fit “lifestyle” is all about!  My next  weigh and measure will be around the beginning of February and I am accepting of whatever the outcome is, in the context of all my winter indulgences, and I am totally in this for the long haul!! I am so proud and motivated, and thrilled by the notion of committing to life!

Everyone’s been talking about “all-or-nothing-thinking” lately!!  I guess I must listen to the message–  From a psychology perspective, all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that involves perceiving a situation in absolute terms, generally as all bad, or all good.  People predisposed to depression, anxiety, and addiction tend to frequently resort to all or nothing thinking in their daily lives.  For someone who feels depressed or stuck, all or nothing thinking can be very damaging.  It reinforces belief systems such as “I will always fail,” “she is perfect,” “my career is going nowhere,” “I will never get better.”  The upshot of all or nothing thinking is that when you feel well, the situation is “all good!”  These bouts involve thoughts like “I’m finally cured!” “I will never make those mistakes again,” “Everything has clicked and my life is finally going to be happy.”  This “top of the world” sensation is very enticing, and therefore hard to let go of.  However, managing depression, anxiety, and addiction is more about embracing, and getting comfortable and familiar with a balanced lifestyle, versus relying on absolutism for comfort or a  cure.

This blog entry would turn into a biography if I were to list all the ways in which I fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking in my life.  For the purposes of this entry, I will highlight the following example:

I have not written in Lovenotlipo since December 14th, 2011.  In the 5 or so weeks that have elapsed since that time, I have experienced a lot of ups, and a lot of downs.  As the days continued to fly by, I became more and more disheartened and anxious about the time spent apart from my blog, what that could mean for my readership, and what it represented with regard to my ability to stick to my personal and professional committments.  And as my anxiety and disappointment in myself increased, my desire to write on my blog decreased.  What could have been simply chalked up to a busy and confusing time in my life that pulled me away from some of my personal initiatives, had evolved into a perception of another failure, that ultimately resulted in avoidance.

So in the context of all this dialogue about all-or-nothing-thinking, I am rescuing Lovenotlipo!! (And if I’m being honest, there are several other areas that got blocked up by this maladaptive thought process this holiday season.)

All-or-nothing-thinking: “There is no point in writing in my blog because there is nothing authentic or relevant I can write to my readers today that would compensate for the fact that I have written nothing for 5 weeks.  I have probably lost all my readers by now anyway!!”

Adaptive thinking: “What happened with avoiding my blog is probably something many of my readers can relate to, so all-or-nothing-thinking is a great discussion topic!  Plus, I can easily catch people up on some of my life events with some pictures.  People love looking at pictures!”

So with that….

Since I talked to you last I:

spent some time over the holidays with my favorite people

Got some really great presents (Todd picked this perfect bag out with no assistance or feedback!!)

Ate some really delicious and nutritious foods

Ate some not-as-nutritious but absolutely delicious foods,

Went out to celebrate some high points,

Brought myself back to center at my sponsor’s farm following some low-points,

Went to some holiday parties,

and every time I’m in doubt and need a mental break, I’ve been fantasizing about this place:

Wedding Site

or this place:

Honeymoon Site