Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

I noticed my energy was lower today, although I had a nice steady rhythm to my day, accomplishing a lot, and time passing at just the right pace. I presented to A Group of Nursing Students today on acquiring a deeper understanding of personality disorders. It was such a pleasure, so stimulating to interact with fresh and engaged minds, and just another stunning reminder of how much I love what I do and how passionate I am about the material I am exposed to every day. Next week I have the privilege of going to a week-long symposium facilitated by Dr. Michael Hollander, a national expert on working with troubled adolescents. The content of the symposium is exceptionally interesting to me, but the bonus is that the symposium takes place on beautiful Cape Cod Massachusetts. I feel so much gratitude and excitement that I am able to go on a trip that will help me grow as a professional, and also help me relax.

It’s funny. I started off this entry ready to reflect on how I think I may be feeling a little tired and restless, knowing that my trip is right around the corner. I have always been one to struggle with transitions, waiting, and changes in routine. I have been feeling so restless this evening in fact that I was feeling hard pressed to know what I could possibly even write about. Once I started however, just by putting the words on the paper of what’s been going on in my life, it got me thinking in a different direction, and that is what a vacation has really come to mean, and how much that idea has changed for me.

For people like me, it is such an automatic process to white knuckle yourself through something un-pleasant just to fall head over heels into hedonism once the opportunity finally presents itself. For my vacation analogy, this would mean suffering through the last week of work as the home stretch, stress out getting everything packed and ready, you finally arrive at your destination when you feel like you’re about to explode, and then you immerse yourself in a sea of excess, drinking, food, shopping, gambling, whatever numbs you out from the discomfort and restlessness you experience day in and day out leading up to the vacation.

I remember the first time I went on vacation after I had stopped drinking. It was to Las Vegas of all places, and I hadn’t had a drink in about 2 months. I remember as the plane landed, feeling incredibly empty and scared. When my friends and I walked down to the swimming pool at our hotel, I saw three women sitting at the pool bar laughing and drinking margaritas. I thought to myself that I was never going to be able to survive this trip. I started fantasizing about taking a plane back to NY that night. My eyes filled with tears thinking about the money I had wasted in booking this trip. It wasn’t so much that I was scared I was going to drink, it was that I was so overwhelmed by the idea of attempting to relax without any tools. I didn’t believe it was physically possible. That trip was the first time I learned that by sitting with my discomfort, and not running away, I would be given new and incredible lessons and experiences. This was a pivotal experience for me in my development.

At this point I have evolved to where going on a vacation where I literally get to learn at the same time, feels like such a gift. Although it will be wonderful, the real gift goes far beyond the symposium, it lies in my ability to stay present with myself on vacation, and actually feel, be aware of, and remember all that’s going on around me…..The heat of the sand on my feet, the saltiness of the ocean, the deep blue of Todd’s eyes squinting in the sunlight.

Our way of experiencing food is in direct correlation with how we experience life. Perhaps your pattern is you white knuckle it through “19 point” Weight Watcher days all the way up through “weigh day,” holding it together just long enough to lose your pound, you exhale into a “35 extra point” binge, and you allow yourself to not feel again, at least for a brief moment. It’s the “I’ll start again tomorrow” syndrome. “For tonight, just let me not feel.” At this point, I proclaim that I cannot live in that hellish repetition ever again. I eat reasonable, delicious food on a daily basis the fuels my body and contributes to my overall wellbeing. Analogous to my job, I go to work every day and put reasonable focused efforts into a profession I believe in. This is my purpose, and there is no white knuckling. And when I go on vacation, it is just another day being present for the gifts that are all around me. These gifts are in Cape Cod, and they’re already here in upstate NY. The foods I eat are delicious, sustaining, and just as much a gift today, as after weigh day.

So today was week 1 weigh in, and I lost 5.5 pounds. I have never lost 5 pounds in a week without restricting or purging, and those old behaviors have long been put to rest. Typically, in the more recent years of weight loss attempts, I’m the girl who toils at the gym, miserable, calculating calories burned, white knuckling it through half a cup of fat free ice cream before I hole up in my bed room for the night so nothing else happens, just to wake up in the morning and cross my fingers praying for a miracle when i step on the scale. And after all this, I am rewarded with a .5 pound weight loss, that often returns to me next week if I make the decision to do something radical like go out to dinner for one night out of 7. It is this torturous existence that has lead me to very preachy to my clients about the perils of the scale. If the scale is causing you any pain or anxiety, you need to put it away now. Let me rephrase that. If the outcome on the scale is in any way going to threaten your committment to healthy choices, you need to seriously consider putting it away. I have put my scale away for a long long time, and I fully believe that it required me letting it go while I got my head straight, to now be in a place where I could take it back out, and use it appropriately.

The blog is my accountability. I cannot afford to begin abusing my scale, I cannot go down that road again, and your reading and monitoring my relationship with the scale will keep me honest and grounded.

So obviously, all this aside, the number on the scale felt pretty thrilling today, but nothing is more thrilling then the freedom from obsession with food and body image I felt this week. I blissfully moved from one day to the next fully present with my environment, the people around me, and what I was going to write to you. I focused on how I could be a loving support to my friends, family, and clients, and with every choice that I faced for myself, what was the most loving option at that moment. This removal of guess work reduced my anxiety significantly, hence freeing me from grazing, self sabotage behaviors, and obsessive thoughts.