Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

“When you consider yourself valuable you will take care of yourself in all ways that are necessary.” –M. Scott Peck

In recognition of the formal completion of Ultrametabolism Detox, on Friday morning I decided to weigh myself.  I had a quiet conversation with my higher power before stepping on the scale, asking for help in remembering why I am doing what I am doing, and in remaining connected to the incredible energy I have harnessed in feuling my body appropriately, and the results that have already been revealed in my shrinking clothing size.  When the scale flashed the results, a five pound weight loss over the last 3 weeks, I had already committed to being ok with whatever the outcome.  The real gift is one that will keep on giving, because these three weeks have effectively retrained my palatte and recalibrated the way my body functions.  What a miracle that I now DESIRE to continue to eat the way I’ve been eating.  Never in a million years could you have convinced me of something like this back in the dark days of my eating disordered former existence. 

If there’s one notion that I emphasize to my clients more than any other, it’s that getting well is a process.  Although my weight loss progress bar indicates 35% of progress towards my goal, the reality is, this is just my most recent goal, set upon a foundation of many other accomplished goals that were far more dire.  I’ve already lost 75 pounds and kept it off for 10 years.  I’ve already resolved my eating disorders.  I’ve already built a business and a career that is successful because of personal experiences enhance my professional training.  There’s no diet that will cure any of us, nor will a particular diet even be effective if one is not far enough along in the process to be ready for it.  What some people consider to be the bad news, is that what I call ”getting well” (which is what many other people define as losing weight) may take a while.  I actually consider that the good news. Isn’t the despair of “stuckness” far more tolerable if you consider that you are actually automatically (albeit slowly) moving in the right direction?  So long as we are relentless in keeping our heart open to remembering the gifts we’ve already been given and the pain of the past that’s already been removed, and our minds open to possibilities for healing that we may have scoffed at in the past, change, growth, and ultimate success is simply inevitable.

I did not consciously realize why I didn’t tell you about this before, until tonight.  A couple months ago I met my new Doctor, Diane MacDonnell at North Country Holistic Health.  I even took this picture with the intention of blogging about what a great experience it was getting to know Dr. MacDonnell and her holistic practice.   My search for finding the right doctor, and the bumps and scrapes I went through along the way is another story for another time, but I’ve finally found her, and I think I know the reason I waited so long to get into it.  Dr. MacDonnell made a number of suggestions, many of which I have taken, but there was one I was not willing to take: my eating plan.

For the last six weeks I have eaten what I was considering to be a pretty perfect diet, and my connectedness and follow through with running has been at an all time high, and yet the scale hovered up and down, stuck in the same three pound range.  My positive mental and spiritual energy did a decent job warding off the fear and negative self talk that inevitably comes creeping around at times like these, and I made a plan I feel good about to move my weigh-ins to once a month.   

However, there are some undeniable facts remaining.  I am not losing the weight at the rate that it seems that I should be considering my caloric intake and intense level of activity.  My doctor made a suggestion about a diet she thinks would be helpful, not only for weight loss, but for recalibrating my damaged metabolism, and achieving overall optimal quality of life.  Ultrametabolism.  I bought the book, read it, and was left feeling overwhelmed by the sacrifices and commitment the diet requires.  So for the last couple months I opted not to follow it, pretended that the conversation with my doctor never happened, yet was left with nagging thoughts about my metabolism being in a rut and my reliance on certain types of foods.  I wondered, how can we ever really complain about our outcomes if we are still unwilling to go to any lengths to make change that we say we desperately want? 

I met a gorgeous brunette named Lisa this weekend.  This tall and athletic woman with shiny hair, and flawless skin described to me her complex nutritional needs based on a doctor prescribed eating plan tailored to her body type.  She told me about overcoming her battle with laxative abuse, Bulimia, and how she ultimately lost 60 pounds following this specific food plan.  When she outlined for me the details of what she eats and doesn’t eat, I was stunned, wondering how she could possibly tolerate being this limited and regimented.  However Lisa went on to tell me something that may just change my life, if I can manage to stay connected to her sentiment as I am right now.  She said “The pain and deprivation is not about the food.  The struggle exists only in not accepting my reality.  Once I just accepted, this is the way I may have to eat to get the outcomes I say I want, the pain melted away, and was replaced with the joy of freedom from my war with food.”      

My life is a process.  I do not believe in “get thin quick” schemes, nor is my life focus about being skinny.  For the last 15 years or so, I have slowly modified my existence, with the goal of becoming a more whole, and healthier woman, one teeney step at a time.  When I actually stop and look at the package of growth and change produced by all of those baby steps added together, I am truly astounded by what I see.  So I’m writing tonight to tell you that I guess I’m ready to take another step.

Stay tuned for my account of phase 1, Ultrametabolism Detox….

It sounds like such a big number, but in reviewing my progress I see that it brings me right back to where I was three or four weeks ago before I had this weird weight gain phase.  Whatever.  I’m so over obsessing about numbers.  They change all the time, and sometimes without rhyme or reason.  My goal is to trend in the general direction of downward, with awareness that there will be blips in the radar in both directions from time to time.  Just as I will not beat myself up over a weight gain, I will not overdo it in celebrating a weight loss.

My flat and pragmatic tone is half due to intrapsychic growth on the topic of weight, and half due to the cold my family and I are all currently suffering.  It’s 9pm, and my honey and I have already been in bed for a half an hour, having abandoned our original plans of going to dinner at one my good friend’s house this evening.  We all attempted to plug away at the day, and make the best out of this crisp and sunshiney Saturday.  Todd and Jakey and I went to Saratoga Apple, had cider donuts (them), coffee (me), and rode in a rickety cart pulled by a John Deere deep into the orchards where we strolled around and picked half a peck.  There are not too many scenarios that could make me feel much more peaceful and fulfilled than this, yet I struggled to fully engage, continuing to try and power through this cold. 

When we got home, I rushed around attempting to prepare the most delicious mashed sweet potatoes you could imagine which I promised my host, who is an amazingly talented child psychiatrist, but apparently not much of a cook, per his report.  I continued to try and ignore how depleted I felt, holding on to the notion that getting all decked out after a nice hot shower would revive me.  That is until Todd anounced to me that the hot water heater is broken.  No shower, just chills and body aches, an impending large home repair expense, and a huge vat of sweet potatoes.  I was on the verge of a major temper tantrum, and ultimately announced to Todd that we’re not going to the dinner party, and I impulsively jumped in my car to deliver the potatoes to my host’s doorstep, along with my apologies.  He was quite gracious, and handed me a giant birthday cake that he was planning to serve for desert (my birthday is 10/18) which made me feel more badly for bailing, but very special.  Although I didn’t indulge, I served my honey a nice fat slice of cocount cake with pleasure.  Between his hacking cough, and my wild temparment which is only exaccerbated by plumbing issues and virus, he deserves it.

And P.S. people who are not emotional eaters, like Todd, don’t think of cake as “deserving it.”  Oh the irony.

So today was week 1 weigh in, and I lost 5.5 pounds. I have never lost 5 pounds in a week without restricting or purging, and those old behaviors have long been put to rest. Typically, in the more recent years of weight loss attempts, I’m the girl who toils at the gym, miserable, calculating calories burned, white knuckling it through half a cup of fat free ice cream before I hole up in my bed room for the night so nothing else happens, just to wake up in the morning and cross my fingers praying for a miracle when i step on the scale. And after all this, I am rewarded with a .5 pound weight loss, that often returns to me next week if I make the decision to do something radical like go out to dinner for one night out of 7. It is this torturous existence that has lead me to very preachy to my clients about the perils of the scale. If the scale is causing you any pain or anxiety, you need to put it away now. Let me rephrase that. If the outcome on the scale is in any way going to threaten your committment to healthy choices, you need to seriously consider putting it away. I have put my scale away for a long long time, and I fully believe that it required me letting it go while I got my head straight, to now be in a place where I could take it back out, and use it appropriately.

The blog is my accountability. I cannot afford to begin abusing my scale, I cannot go down that road again, and your reading and monitoring my relationship with the scale will keep me honest and grounded.

So obviously, all this aside, the number on the scale felt pretty thrilling today, but nothing is more thrilling then the freedom from obsession with food and body image I felt this week. I blissfully moved from one day to the next fully present with my environment, the people around me, and what I was going to write to you. I focused on how I could be a loving support to my friends, family, and clients, and with every choice that I faced for myself, what was the most loving option at that moment. This removal of guess work reduced my anxiety significantly, hence freeing me from grazing, self sabotage behaviors, and obsessive thoughts.