Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

Everyone’s been talking about “all-or-nothing-thinking” lately!!  I guess I must listen to the message–  From a psychology perspective, all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that involves perceiving a situation in absolute terms, generally as all bad, or all good.  People predisposed to depression, anxiety, and addiction tend to frequently resort to all or nothing thinking in their daily lives.  For someone who feels depressed or stuck, all or nothing thinking can be very damaging.  It reinforces belief systems such as “I will always fail,” “she is perfect,” “my career is going nowhere,” “I will never get better.”  The upshot of all or nothing thinking is that when you feel well, the situation is “all good!”  These bouts involve thoughts like “I’m finally cured!” “I will never make those mistakes again,” “Everything has clicked and my life is finally going to be happy.”  This “top of the world” sensation is very enticing, and therefore hard to let go of.  However, managing depression, anxiety, and addiction is more about embracing, and getting comfortable and familiar with a balanced lifestyle, versus relying on absolutism for comfort or a  cure.

This blog entry would turn into a biography if I were to list all the ways in which I fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking in my life.  For the purposes of this entry, I will highlight the following example:

I have not written in Lovenotlipo since December 14th, 2011.  In the 5 or so weeks that have elapsed since that time, I have experienced a lot of ups, and a lot of downs.  As the days continued to fly by, I became more and more disheartened and anxious about the time spent apart from my blog, what that could mean for my readership, and what it represented with regard to my ability to stick to my personal and professional committments.  And as my anxiety and disappointment in myself increased, my desire to write on my blog decreased.  What could have been simply chalked up to a busy and confusing time in my life that pulled me away from some of my personal initiatives, had evolved into a perception of another failure, that ultimately resulted in avoidance.

So in the context of all this dialogue about all-or-nothing-thinking, I am rescuing Lovenotlipo!! (And if I’m being honest, there are several other areas that got blocked up by this maladaptive thought process this holiday season.)

All-or-nothing-thinking: “There is no point in writing in my blog because there is nothing authentic or relevant I can write to my readers today that would compensate for the fact that I have written nothing for 5 weeks.  I have probably lost all my readers by now anyway!!”

Adaptive thinking: “What happened with avoiding my blog is probably something many of my readers can relate to, so all-or-nothing-thinking is a great discussion topic!  Plus, I can easily catch people up on some of my life events with some pictures.  People love looking at pictures!”

So with that….

Since I talked to you last I:

spent some time over the holidays with my favorite people

Got some really great presents (Todd picked this perfect bag out with no assistance or feedback!!)

Ate some really delicious and nutritious foods

Ate some not-as-nutritious but absolutely delicious foods,

Went out to celebrate some high points,

Brought myself back to center at my sponsor’s farm following some low-points,

Went to some holiday parties,

and every time I’m in doubt and need a mental break, I’ve been fantasizing about this place:

Wedding Site

or this place:

Honeymoon Site

Managing family and work stress in the middle of a long, icy winter leaves me sliding on the proverbial slippery slope towards loss of inspiration.  So much of getting out of a funk is about recalibrating the brain.  I woke up this morning humming with anxiety, noticing the clutter and mid winter filth all around me.

"Clutter"

"Filth"

I took a deep breath, and started with the basics.  I straightened up the kitchen, stripped the bed, threw some laundry in, and set up my materials for cooking for the week.  I made the conscious decision to invest an hour or two into sifting through my new magazines, with a healthy breakfast, and a cup of coffee.  I decided to try not to stress about the blog, and trust that the ideas and inspiration would eventually just come.

"Breakfast"

Honey flavored Greek Yogurt (the best) with 2 Tbsp walnuts, 1 Tbsp unsweetened shredded coconut, and a small sliced banana.

Todd bought me Runners World for Christmas, and it’s like a little book of happiness that comes to me once a month.  I really appreciate that so many of the articles are geared towards “non-experts,” and the running-speak got me smiling and feeling immediately at ease remembering my autumn runs in the state park.  Now I’m sitting here feeling the promise of spring being around the corner, and validated that of course I’m feeling less inspired lately pent up in the house and the gym, and what a great time to have focused on strength training…how smart of me!

It also got me thinking back on my goals, one of which was to be fitted for new running sneakers by February 1st.  Yikes!  Today is Janauary 30th!  Moments later my mom called me and said that she would love to get together for coffee.  Now I have incentive to get moving and get my cooking done, because all of a sudden, I’ve got my inspiration back!

So you see, just by briefly immersing myself into something that feuls me, I almost instantly turned a blah overwhelming morning into a day filled with the promise of love and inspiration.

I was never one to say I dread the holidays.  In fact, I always found it overly dramatic and cliche to comment on the stress of the holidays, and was a big believer in the idea that we control how much stress we allow into our holiday existence, and how much joy we take from it.  I was humbled this Christmas season in that as much as I felt I had “simplified” and as spiritually grounded as I believed I had been coming into December, I struggled this Christmas! 

I noticed an old familiar itchy restless feeling gnawing at me over the course of the last week.  I picked nervously and compulsively at my food instead of eating it confidently for fuel.  I didn’t know what I wanted or didn’t want.  My eyes and skin looked drab and puffy when I looked in the mirror.  I contemplated my relationship with sugar from every possible angle you could imagine.  I didn’t know so many angles of sugar existed!  I found myself distracted by these ideas and less able to focus on and connect with my family and friends.  It was mid-day on December 25th that a wave of relief washed over me when I suddenly remembered this fundamental premise.  Distraction.  That’s what all these obsessive thoughts are.  That’s what an eating disorder is.  That’s what a diet is!  It’s all just distraction.  It’s all just a way to not feel, and to not connect with what’s in front of you.  I reflected on the immensity of the idea of “wasted time” and how wonderful it would be to get back the days we had flushed down the toilet distracted by something that didn’t matter.

Perhaps I didn’t eat an Ultrametabolism Diet over Christmas.  Perhaps I ate more sugar than is my preference.  But my heart swells with gratitude and pride when I remember to refrain from judgement and celebrate the absolutely amazing ways that I take care of myself in so many areas of my life.  When I find my thoughts drifting to being “perfect” a lot, or having the feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach, there are serious clues that that something is off kilter.  I have made it through a holiday season exercising 6 days a week, establishing more intense fitness goals with each passing session, and have continued to prioritize nutritious foods overall regardless of whatever bumps in the road I encountered.  These are the behaviors of a woman who loves and respects herself…a woman who sometimes falls down, and is still OK.  I am far from perfect, but I am authentic…..and I am relentless.  I can promise you that.

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

I’m feeling a little low today.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I can’t walk from after yesterday’s lower body regimen.  Perhaps it was my icy cold melancholy drive home.  Perhaps it’s hormonal.  Perhaps it’s the family dynamics that always seem more overwhelming around the holidays, weighing on my heart and spirit.  It is amazing though, how easy it is to find myself poking around the kitchen cabinets not even realizing how I got there, or what I’m actually doing. 

I talk for a living, and try to live a life of positivity to practice what I preach, but some days it’s just as simple as I need to isolate in my fluffy flannel bed with my books and my laptop, away from the kitchen, and alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes allowing myself to be in this place is even be a tiny bit enjoyable. 

Here I sit, on the chocolate brown couch, thinking about what I want to write…Todd and Jakey just went to Plum Dandy…the house is finally quiet….and all of a sudden I realize…I’m TIRED!! Like REALLY tired. So tired the words are not coming easily tonight. Work is quiet this week. On the one hand it’s a nice break, on the other hand I struggle with down time, always have. Lately, I have struggled more than usual to get myself focused on that pile of tasks that waits to be attended to on a quiet day. I am quite focused on my excitement about Lovenotlipo.com, my new blog sight, and evo-life.com, my updated private practice website, both coming soon. The web designer told me I may have designs by the end of the week, and at the latest, the first week in September.

This morning I climbed into my car balancing my coffee, my briefcase, my workout bag, my ridiculously large lunch tote, and a gallon of lemon water (literally), and this thought shot into my head out of nowhere and momentarily took my breath away: Everything I believe in, what I work for, what I have to offer the world, and who I fundamentally am, absolutely exists because of my vast eating disordered history, and enduring struggle with weight and body image. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

I was driving in my car today, feeling mildly something like sad, but not sad. I had a very productive, teetering on over-productive day at work, and was now headed to the park reflecting on the fact that possibly I am experiencing a crash of some sort. Driving through the village, early evening, late summer golden sun streamed through my windows, and an older gentleman with a heart-wrenchingly sweet raspy voice spoke to me through my car speakers. He talked about all the years he abused his body in various ways, including compulsive eating. He described how his morbid obesity left him so hopeless and lonely he often didn’t want to live. He said that with prayer and the support of people who get it, he was eventually able cease abusing food and ultimately feel the presence of God around him. He explained that the most profound thing about his connecting with God at that point in his life, is that when he now looks back on all the painful chapters of his past, he recognizes a great deal of evidence that God was with him the whole time. Immediately, tears sprung to my eyes, and I paused to think about why.

What I do know is that in years past, I had great difficulty crying over my own pain, joy, or wonderment, let alone someone else’s. It got me thinking about why now? Why now can I not only feel my feelings, but be open to considering concepts like the impact that God’s presence in my life has on the foods I put in my body (or don’t put in my body.) That something bigger than me helps me sit with discomfort, and trust that I will be provided for, and do not need food to soothe me in the interim because I just so quietly sure of that fact. My brain and body have cleared up, like a fog has lifted, that has enabled me to see, feel, and trust, all as a result of putting down the food.

I believe that people commonly get this backwards. They wait for the miraculous statement, diet, day of the week, event in their life, personal trainer, or magic shake that will make the weight disappear, and believe that the meaning of life will present itself in the context of their glorious skinniness. Actually, I am coming to believe with every fiber of my being that it is only by putting toxic food down one day at a time, one meal at a time, one hour at a time, the head begins to clear, the spirit emerges, and the true meaning of life begins to reveal itself. This revelation is what is going to enable me to lose the rest of this weight. Not the other way around. Life has already begun, I’m in love with every twist and turn, and I’m not even skinny.

Wow! What a busy weekend. So much so that I have kept everyone hanging with what my outcome was on Friday. To get the weight report out of the way so I can move on to the good stuff, I lost 6.2 pounds, which essentially left me with a one pound weight gain for my trip to Cape Cod. I’ll take it.

My post vacation emotional crash, and the days following really got me thinking about the idea of tolerating discomfort. Historically, I am a woman with a very low discomfort tolerance. It is so amazing to me, that an eating-disordered, self obsessed, know-it-all like myself could be so baffled last week as to how it was going to all turn out, and how I would physically and emotionally feel just days later.

Cultivated in the context of years of self abuse and destruction, I have a propensity for dangerously finite beliefs. “a puffy face means I’ve permanently gained 5 pounds in 5 days that will probably never come off.” ; “my increasingly severe PMS symptoms probably means I’m ultimately infertile.”; “this argument will result in this relationship ultimately not working out, so I might as well just leave now.” There is comfort in familiar patterns of thought, even when we know they’re sick. Why? Because the outcomes are predictable. You know what you’re going to get, what you’re going to feel like, and what you’re going to do next, so you continue to embody those beliefs through your behaviors, and this ultimately shapes your identity.

I remember during some of the sickest low points of my life saying “I’m so ridiculously sick of scraping myself up off the floor and giving myself another pep talk.” Forming a new and improved identity begins by embodying NEW beliefs through your behaviors. For me, it has been a lot about letting go of the highs and lows. A talented therapist I know calls it “getting comfortable with Vanilla.” The pep talk I spoke of was my “high”…..The conversation where I promised myself all the amazing things I was now going to accomplish, and all the bad things I was never going to do again.

Last week, I was very restless in my skin, working through the discomfort of sticking to my newer commitments to ways of living. I couldn’t predict when I would feel better, how my brother will turn out as an adult, what will ultimately happen in my father’s life, when my face will stop looking puffy, how many years it will take me to get out of debt, or what the scale would tell me on Friday morning. All I can actually predict, is that if I decide I truly cannot sit with these feelings, that they are just too much to physically bear, I can quickly and temporarily numb that feeling away with something that hurts me. Then, predictably, comes more pain followed by a pep talk. Repeat.

6.2 pounds. Call it water weight, call it fat loss. Call it whatever you want. I could care less at this point what it was. All I know is I had a rough couple days, and yet I found my center. My soul was filled with the mysterious beauty of feeling pain, soon followed by feeling its departure. This is a precious process that requires all of the energy that obsessing over the scale robbed from me all of these years.

I’m working on feeling feelings. Noticing them, labeling them, accepting them, and realizing that uncomfortable feelings are a part of life. A part of everyone’s life. Wanting to eat when I’m not hungry or it’s not meal time is just an indicator that I don’t feel like feeling a feeling. If I am open to feeling the feeling, and consider that first, usually the drive to eat will pass.

I never used to fully buy “emotional eating.” When people would talk about what emotion they ate over, sadness, happiness, fear, I just couldn’t relate. I thought, “I like to eat over any emotion, that’s why I don’t think the eating is emotional. It’s just eating, and I like it.” But I’ve come to realize, it’s not that I ate over just any emotion, it’s that I’ve never been aware of what my feeling actually is. The sad reality is that in order to appear functional to myself and others, I suppressed feelings so deeply that I often felt numb or disconnected. It is with sobriety and through recovery that I am learning that these feelings actually exist; noticing, not judging, accepting, and trusting that they will pass. What an astonishing, amazing, and interesting process to get to know this part of myself. I used to be afraid of acknowledging discomfort because I thought it symbolized weakness. How much love and respect it takes to allow myself to feel discomfort and not judge myself for that feeling.

Tomorrow I weigh myself again, and probably I have lost some from my vacation/water weight fiasco, but perhaps not all. As you see thematically running through some of my other posts, I have definitely been struggling with feelings of fear and inadequacy lately, but allowing myself to notice those feelings, I did not let them swallow me up. I stayed present with the feelings, and continued to live my life behaving like the person I want to be, even when I didn’t always feel like the person I want to be. What happens tomorrow on the scale has no bearing on my commitment to this blog, and to living my life rich with love for myself and others one day at a time. That is who I ultimately want to be, unflappable and self-possessed. I am where I am supposed to be today. As a result, I know that ultimately, the scale will end up where it’s supposed to as well.