Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

I believe it did all lead up to this day. What brought me here, was a culmination of many years of hurt, suffering, fear, perseverance, courage, and open mindedness. And why the hell July 5, 2010 is the day it all changed, is beyond me. This blog will pick up today on a journey that has already been in process for a long time, but the real hook here, the real crazy part, is that here in my first blog post ever, I am predicting that my merciless battle with my weight will resolve itself from this point forward, starting today. It is my realization on this beautifully unbearable hot July day, as I walked in tandem with my stepfather down a bustling village street, that my pain and suffering are over for good. The details of the healing and the weight loss will unfold itself in each post moving forward, but I can give you the short answer today of how it will happen. Love.

If it possible for a baby to be born an addict, I was that baby. One time my mother told me that the nurse handed me to her for the first time, swaddled in an aqua blanket, mouth rhythmically and desperately sucking, before it had ever made first contact with the breast. That sense of urgency has been woven into my very fibers since that first day here on earth, and Food and I have done this dance ever since. By the sixth grade I had seen nutritionists, guidance counselors, and doctors and was familiar with the caloric content of most foods, carbohydrate exchanges, where I fell on the height/weight chart (off the chart for weight, middle of the road for height) the impact of hydration on weight loss, my feelings about other kids’ feelings about my weight, and the benefits of roasted chicken as compared to processed sandwich meats.

My weight has soared up the scale and plummeted down, often within the same week. I have gone days without eating, and I have consumed at least 5,000 calories in one sitting. One particularly startling snapshot in time involved a weekend excursion to Martha’s Vineyard. I left Friday, and returned to NY on Monday with a sun burn and a 14 pound weight gain as a souvenir. My penance for this debauchery always involved “cleansings” that essentially involved several days of food deprivation, water binges, purges, and starvation induced dizziness as a measure of success. Food was my first and deepest love, although many other addictions followed in close succession.

Through grueling work, I have slowly untangled myself from this web of dependence, and left behind some very dark chapters. It is only now that I feel I am truly ready to be set free from the grip that food still has on me. Although my eating behaviors much more appropriate at this point in my life, I belief I have held on to the last 50 or so pounds as a symbol of my inability to completely emancipate myself from my co-dependent relationship with food, and fully embrace the essence of the woman I was born to be. I invite you on this journey with me as I say “goodbye” by choosing everyday to love myself more than I love the food. By doing simply this, I predict this weight will finally vanish once and for all. This is a bold and very public hypothesis from a girl who has tried fifty other ways to lose this weight before she was ready.