Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

The question I am asked above any other is: “Aren’t you worried about being so public about your life in your blog?”  This is one of those situations in your life where you’re like: “Well I wasn’t worrried before you asked me that, but now I kind of am.”  This got me thinking about fear, and how many of our fears exist either because we chose to take on something someone else tossed our way, or because we are doing something that deep down we knew was not right, or in the least, not true to ourselves. 

Anyone who knows me well is aware that Geneen Roth is a life-changing writer in my life.  In one of Geneen’s most powerful essays titled ”Money, Loss, and What Can Never Be Lost” she tells the story of having lost her entire retirement savings in a Ponzi Scheme.  That story, which I have read multiple times, always makes me think about the fact that once a devastating loss has occurred, such as losing your nest egg, or any other fundamental symbol of security, the fear component of your intense range of emotions is usually over, and is replaced by another emotion, grief, guilt, regret, loneliness etc….What’s done is done.  Now you know….and you deal with the wreckage.   And even more profoud, Geneen’s capacity for self reflection and honesty enables her to now see, and share with the world through her writing, that she abandoned her core beliefs about money, security, discipline, and patience by getting wrapped up with the Ponzi Scheme in the first place.  Looking back on the situation she views it almost like a natural consequence of her temporary departure from “self.”  To crudely oversimplify, in returning to herself, she utlizes her spirtually informed lens of acceptance, that the only thing she can control at this point is to get back to basics…get back to her true core for driving her life decisions.   Lamenting the money, or being stagnant in victim status over what occurred, will not only not bring the money back, it will thwart happiness indefinitely. 

So when I notice fear of ”what might happen” crop up in my life, most recently about my blog, I have to ask myself when those feelings appear: “what am I actually afraid will occur as a result of the blog?” and employ brutal honesty in answering that question to myself.  Here’s what I came up with:

1) 

Fear: People will make a judgement about me based on my writing, or think I’m trying to be something I’m not.      

Reality:  This blog is actually the greatest personal accountability tool one could ever possess.  Every day people in contact with me will have the opportunity to observe if my actions and behaviors match my writing.  And since I want above all things to be a person who’s actions match their words, this is a checks-and-balance, and a no-brainer.

2)

Fear: People will disregard me as an appropriate choice as their Counselor or Life-Coach because they can see my flaws and my perfectly imperfect life.

Reality:  I actually so passionately believe in my treatment methodology and modalities, because of the fact that my history of research and hard work has literally saved my life.  I continue to grow and evolve each day, as all of us do if we’re willing.  I am grateful to be able to be transparent about that fact, and demonstrate through my actions, the value and positive outcomes of my philosophy and approach. 

3)

Fear: People will look for my failures or resent my successes                    

Reality:  What does that have to do with me or my personal goals?  Why would I ever give another human being so much power that i could let their opinions derail me from something I feel so passionately about? 

4)

Fear: people will question whether I’m really being totally honest, or forthcoming.

Reality: there are some topics I will not get into in detail in this blog.  Mostly because they involve other people and it would not be appropriate to determine whether other people’s laundry is clean or dirty, and air it for them as such.  This boils down to having good boundaries.  As I constantly emphasize to my clients, without boundaries, honesty and self disclosure is self serving and overwhelming to self and others.  I trust myself enough to discern what is appropriate for public domain, and what details I must work through in more personal venues.  I will always weave into my writing the macro lessons I learn from the micro events, situations, and interactions in my life.

5)

Fear: What if I can’t uphold in my life what I committed to in my blog?

Reality: Choosing to do the blog was a symbolic illustration of how serious I am about committing to the lifestyle I advocate to my clients, therefore the incentive is incredibly high to remain true.  The major tenet of my teaching is “never, ever, ever, give up.”  In this context, it doesn’t matter if I have “failures.”  The failures are all part of the ultimate process in that Falling Down is only relevant because of Getting Back Up.  Committing on paper to never be a quitter does not make me feel afraid.  That, I can promise.   

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in perfect harmony.”

                                                                              - Mahatma Gandhi

Yesterday was my week 2 weigh-in. I will admit that I was pretty shocked when I hopped on the scale and it registered a half pound weight loss. I stepped on and off a couple times, and even went so far as to move the scale around the room once or twice. One reason I was shocked, was that not only did I eat quite healthfully this week, I also did not eat compulsively, or restrict compulsively. I felt at peace with food, and far more focused on other ventures. The second, and more notable reason I was shocked, was that my body felt strong, lean, and energized this week, and several people a day told me how wonderful I looked. In my mind, I had believed that what they were seeing was simply fat melting away.
It took me a couple minutes to work through my feelings about that half pound, and a moment later, ironically, I found myself standing in front of my open refrigerator, forgetting what I was looking for. And since I was there, I hurriedly got out the stainless steel cleaner, and opted to be productive with my refrigerator instead of using it as a consolation prize. As I buffed big shiny circles into the freezer door, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong. Like riding a bicycle, I found myself reviewing what I had really eaten and making quick calculations in my head of how many hours of cardio I had executed this week. Fortunately it was relatively quickly that I stopped dead in my tracks, painfully aware that this automatic, default pattern of thought, is exactly what brought me to my lowest lows, and exactly what my blog is not.

So as might be expected, a wave of gratitude washed over me as I remembered that I have a choice in how I am going to perceive this moment, and slowly I came back to center recalling the following: 1) I am not on a diet, I am letting my body find its natural weight on its natural time frame while eating respectfully to myself. 2) Obsessing about what I did “wrong,” or could do “better” is old behaviors and is incongruent with the woman I want to be. 3) I felt amazing this week, and no 17” glass platform on my bathroom floor can take that away from me. 4) and finally, what the hell?? Half a pound is amazing!! Take out two sticks of butter from your fridge, drop them down the front of your pants, and tell me if ½ a pound “doesn’t count.”

I got dressed for work, humbled, emotionally moved, yet still somewhat conflicted noticing certainly the healthier ways I perceive the world at this point in my life, but still frightened that the same old sick patterns emerged by simply stepping on a scale this morning. My experience Friday has left me thinking about motives ever since. If my motive in starting “Love Not Lipo” was truly to publicly proclaim that loving yourself and others through thick and thin would end compulsive eating and stabilize your weight, then there is nothing to be afraid of. If my motive in starting “Love Not Lipo” was another weight loss gimmick, this time bringing you guys along for the ride with me, then Friday morning once again I’d be back where I started. A ½ pound weight loss would leave me projecting about the future, fearing failure, public humiliation, shame, and disappointment, believing that if I could just find the right formula for the food, I could avoid all of those painful feelings. But thanks to God it is not a weight loss gimmick. It is my actual intrinsic philosophical belief that a life lived free from obsession with food is a life so beautiful, colorful, and rich that I struggle to find the words to describe it. I am currently living that life, one day at a time, and so the proclamations made on my blog will continue to ring true, as long as I remain honest with myself, through thick and thin.