Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

Last night and the moment I woke up I was honestly feeling a pretty scared about returning for personal training session number two.  The first workout was somewhat extreme, and my calves and lower bicep, by the inside of my elbow joint was excruciatingly sore and stiff.  The doubts started to creep in.  What if I’m not strong enough for this?  What did I get myself into?  And the most torturous thought…what if I loathe it, and have to go do something I don’t want to do three days a week for months?  I started to wonder if I should just stick to my private comfortable little routine, hiding out in my own little world at the gym, logging the time, never completely sure what results are occurring, but satisfied that I’m doing what I know I should do.

But I got up, got dressed, and as soon as I was driving and watching the sun come up, I noticed I was feeling better.  That seems to be the pattern lately.  I got to the gym half an hour before my session started.  I did 15 minutes of relatively intense cardio on the Cybex Elliptical to warm up.  I’ve been running so much lately, that I rather enjoyed the smooth aspect of the Cybex vs. the treadmill, and was kind of surprised at how intense it felt after a couple minutes, as the smoothness was sort of deceiving at first.  After the 15 minutes, I spent the remainder of time stretching it out.  Terry has emphasized over and over how seriously I need to take the warm up and stretching portion of my workout.  I wonder if he sensed how much I have skimped on this component over the years.  I have to admit, my calves and inner arms were far more warm and pliable by the time our session started and as a result my anxiety began to subside.

Today we did three cycles of intervals of each of the following, converting strength training moves into high intensity cardio:

Hammer Chest Press

Bench Dips

Kettlebell Thrusts

medicine ball torso twists ("Canoes")

Kettlebell Tricep Press

I felt very supported and encouraged, and Terry told me that I have already demonstrated progress since our first session.  I would never be able to push myself on my own to the level of intensity that this workout requires.  It’s ironic because I have always preferred working out alone yet now I can see the value of working out with someone else.

I finished the session feeling absolutely amazing, and optimistic that this new program may shake me out of the lull I have been in for way too long.  The greatest part about this workout was that it was the first phase of the fear leaving me.  I know myself well enough to remember my process: first the fear starts to melt, second my attachment to the activity develops, and finally I internalize the activity as part of me, and move into a place of total comfort and comittment, now just wanting to get better and better.  This is my process in all areas of my life, by the way…far beyond fitness.

Imagine what I would have missed if I had chose to listen to my fears and quit.

What happens when try as you might, you cannot find 26 hours in a day?  How do you formulate your thoughts to your blogging community about how you’ve been making it to the gym about 50% of the established goal time?   What do you say about the fact that you’re not sure how could possibly envision training for a half marathon at this point while working full time and running two businesses?….so what if your NEW goals start to trump your old goals??? 

It is fear of people’s perception of me that was making me hesitate to re-evaluate my goals at this juncture.  I never want to be considered the kind of person who makes all kinds of big proclamations and doesn’t follow through.  However, what a journey I have been on, for it is now that I can see that it is the physical conditioning and detoxification I have undergone since last July responsible for the mental clarity that launched this next phase of my personal and professional development.  I am finally in a place where I am driven and inspired in a context that has no direct or indirect connection with my weight, body image, or relationship with food.   Hallelujah.

How easy it is to counsel in my private practice, or to my best friend: “Don’t be scared to try things.  Life is not finite.  For today, let this be your plan, tomorrow you may feel differently, and that’s wonderful!”   How much harder it is to remember to apply these concepts to my own life.  But it’s true…I am not abandoning running, and I am not abandoning LoveNotLipo.  In fact, recognizing the impact of those two entities in my life makes my heart swell with gratitude, reverance, and love and bring a tear to my eye.  On July 5th 2010 LoveNotLipo was born, and taking my emotional healing and physical conditioning to the next level, I have documented my journey faithfully ever since. 

I am incredibly fulfilled and excited at this point in my life.  I have learned to let some things go, like  I cannot always have immediate gratification for example…my laundry may take 2 weeks to fold…and I may eat protein shakes for dinner for a while.  Yet I have realized other things are far more valuable than I ever knew.  Listening to others is more important than talking…generousity of spirit is more important than being right…succeeding in helping others is more important than being the best…and never quitting is more important than winning. 

I wonder what the next gift will be?  Because I am awestruck that it just keeps getting better. 

I had my Arbonne business launch party this weekend, and I am physically exhausted, and emotionally and spiritually elated.  I  have met the most amazing and beautiful women inside and out, and I feel like a better person every day that I participate in this business model and company culture of self development.  The money and the amazing life changing wellness products are just a bonus.  My heart is open to life lessons that previously still had not been uncovered, no matter how much work I had done on myself, and that is the real gift. 

For today, I will strive to live a life of balance:  Recovery, faith, family, nutrition and physical activity, my career in mental health, and my entrepreneurial enterpises.  For today, this is what I choose.

There is a picture hanging on the side of my fridge amidst lots of other scraps of paper, photos, and memorabilia.  Todd isn’t

Race Day, Dawn

 particularly impressed by the cropped picture with its evidence of some guy from the past cut out of it.  I am impressed by the picture because my tanned skin glows against the white of my flowy skirt.  A light aqua sweater is wrapped tightly around my tiny waist.  My hair was long and golden, I wore silver strappy heels, and I was in the best shape of my life.  The photo was taken outside a bar called The Alehouse in Troy, NY., my hometown, in my early 20′s.  Yesterday ironically, roughly one third of the way through my race, I passed that very same bar.  Outside the Alehouse was a mob of people cheering as I ran through a cloud of their cigarette smoke, and the smell of stale beer. 

The streets I ran yesterday were lined with ghosts of my past, and I had under-estimated the emotional impact this would have on my run.  The adrenaline induced euphoria I experience alone in the wooded paths Saratoga State Park had left me, and running the impoverished city streets instead, I was flooded with reminders of the insecurity and self doubt that I walked with daily in years passed.

I got to thinking about that photograph on my fridge, and how I had conducted my life to achieve that body.  And so I continued my run, slow, steady, and sans euphoria quietly remembering the starvation diets, the hangovers, the cigarettes and coffee, the dry skin, thick tongue, mysterious bruises, and baseline functioning on little sleep and a pounding headache.  Enveloped by memories and negative energy, I felt the fears bubbling up…maybe I’m really not as strong or great as I thought I was?…what if I really can’t finish this race?…maybe I don’t belong with these ”real” athletes.   I fought the fears, and ultimately won the battle by reminding myself of this one simple thing:  Running is just like life.  There are days you feel like a million bucks, and there are days where you feel very…average…at best.  And still some days where you feel less than average, disturbed even.  Being haunted by old ghosts is not absolute.  Feeling scared does not mean there is a real threat.  If you stay the course and just keep going, you will feel good again.  Just because you do not feel euphoric, does not mean you jump ship.  You actually just keep running.  And so I did.  Yesterday morning I ran 6.2 miles in 1hour, 8 minutes, and 30 seconds.  It’s as simple as that.

photo credit nikeblog.com

So the formal “8 Weeks to 10 K” program I have been working on my ipod officially ended last week, and now in preparation for the race, I’m running an hour a day, 5 days a week…and loving it. 

Can you believe this??  I can’t.  I want every “thick,” “chubby,” “non-athlete,” “un-graceful,” “lazy” (fill in the pejorative descriptor) individual out there to read my post and listen to me when I tell you this:  RUNNING IS 100% MENTAL, AND THERFORE EVERYONE CAN BE A RUNNER.  It is beyond trite in our society to make this statement, but I’m gonna do it anyway: If I can do this, so can you.

I’ve always had a complicated relationship with even just the notion of running.  I hung out in an obscure territory somewhere between reverence and disdain with it.  Now that running and I are connected, I find myself thinking about all these little memories I had tucked away years ago, when I thought I could care less about running….it’s now obvious to me that I actually cared a lot :

 The 90 minutes I arbitrarily banged out on a treadmill at 24 Hour Fitness in Livermore California, homesick as hell for my hometown Boston Massachusetts, tears of joy streaming down my sweaty face as I watched the Sox pound St. Louis in Game 4 of the World Series……The 26.2 miles my 50-something-year-old, non-exercising, cigarette smoking Uncle ran, inspired by the marathon his wife completed the year prior in honor of their 20 year old son who was beating Cancer……The Kenyan woman who described to me that her love and connection to running was so strong she ran for 2-3 days, even sleeping while she ran.What??..…The famous quote of the University of Orgegon Track Coach and Co-Founder of Nike’that launched an ad campaign that changed millions of peoples’ lives with one simple statement: “If you have a body, you’re an athlete.”

So you see running is really just a metaphor for life, and these are the life lessons I’ve learned from it:

Sometimes when you think you hate something (or someone), you’re really just scared of it (them)……If you’re over zealous and under-committed you will self destruct….If you’re a person who truly believes in yourself, you’re a person who knows that the one who never quits will never fail…..Excuses are actually just fear trying to take you out….. Integrity is doing something that you say you’re going to do even when no one is watching.  Running is my integrity.

The question I am asked above any other is: “Aren’t you worried about being so public about your life in your blog?”  This is one of those situations in your life where you’re like: “Well I wasn’t worrried before you asked me that, but now I kind of am.”  This got me thinking about fear, and how many of our fears exist either because we chose to take on something someone else tossed our way, or because we are doing something that deep down we knew was not right, or in the least, not true to ourselves. 

Anyone who knows me well is aware that Geneen Roth is a life-changing writer in my life.  In one of Geneen’s most powerful essays titled ”Money, Loss, and What Can Never Be Lost” she tells the story of having lost her entire retirement savings in a Ponzi Scheme.  That story, which I have read multiple times, always makes me think about the fact that once a devastating loss has occurred, such as losing your nest egg, or any other fundamental symbol of security, the fear component of your intense range of emotions is usually over, and is replaced by another emotion, grief, guilt, regret, loneliness etc….What’s done is done.  Now you know….and you deal with the wreckage.   And even more profoud, Geneen’s capacity for self reflection and honesty enables her to now see, and share with the world through her writing, that she abandoned her core beliefs about money, security, discipline, and patience by getting wrapped up with the Ponzi Scheme in the first place.  Looking back on the situation she views it almost like a natural consequence of her temporary departure from “self.”  To crudely oversimplify, in returning to herself, she utlizes her spirtually informed lens of acceptance, that the only thing she can control at this point is to get back to basics…get back to her true core for driving her life decisions.   Lamenting the money, or being stagnant in victim status over what occurred, will not only not bring the money back, it will thwart happiness indefinitely. 

So when I notice fear of ”what might happen” crop up in my life, most recently about my blog, I have to ask myself when those feelings appear: “what am I actually afraid will occur as a result of the blog?” and employ brutal honesty in answering that question to myself.  Here’s what I came up with:

1) 

Fear: People will make a judgement about me based on my writing, or think I’m trying to be something I’m not.      

Reality:  This blog is actually the greatest personal accountability tool one could ever possess.  Every day people in contact with me will have the opportunity to observe if my actions and behaviors match my writing.  And since I want above all things to be a person who’s actions match their words, this is a checks-and-balance, and a no-brainer.

2)

Fear: People will disregard me as an appropriate choice as their Counselor or Life-Coach because they can see my flaws and my perfectly imperfect life.

Reality:  I actually so passionately believe in my treatment methodology and modalities, because of the fact that my history of research and hard work has literally saved my life.  I continue to grow and evolve each day, as all of us do if we’re willing.  I am grateful to be able to be transparent about that fact, and demonstrate through my actions, the value and positive outcomes of my philosophy and approach. 

3)

Fear: People will look for my failures or resent my successes                    

Reality:  What does that have to do with me or my personal goals?  Why would I ever give another human being so much power that i could let their opinions derail me from something I feel so passionately about? 

4)

Fear: people will question whether I’m really being totally honest, or forthcoming.

Reality: there are some topics I will not get into in detail in this blog.  Mostly because they involve other people and it would not be appropriate to determine whether other people’s laundry is clean or dirty, and air it for them as such.  This boils down to having good boundaries.  As I constantly emphasize to my clients, without boundaries, honesty and self disclosure is self serving and overwhelming to self and others.  I trust myself enough to discern what is appropriate for public domain, and what details I must work through in more personal venues.  I will always weave into my writing the macro lessons I learn from the micro events, situations, and interactions in my life.

5)

Fear: What if I can’t uphold in my life what I committed to in my blog?

Reality: Choosing to do the blog was a symbolic illustration of how serious I am about committing to the lifestyle I advocate to my clients, therefore the incentive is incredibly high to remain true.  The major tenet of my teaching is “never, ever, ever, give up.”  In this context, it doesn’t matter if I have “failures.”  The failures are all part of the ultimate process in that Falling Down is only relevant because of Getting Back Up.  Committing on paper to never be a quitter does not make me feel afraid.  That, I can promise.   

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in perfect harmony.”

                                                                              - Mahatma Gandhi

Today I decided to train for a 10k. Inspired by what the girls are doing on some of the wonderful blogs I follow (I still haven’t figured out if you’re allowed to just say someone’s blog in your post–stay tuned), I bought a $10 album on Itunes that is a training program broken down by day to have you running a 10K at the end of 8 weeks.

I put it on my Ipod and headed off to the park, somewhat skeptical. My skepticism melted away fast and was replaced by an energy level I haven’t seen in weeks, all thanks to the structure my “trainer’s” monotonous voice explained to me.   Putting aside the fact that the music was frightenly reminiscent of an instrumental soundtrack from an 80′s movie with an athletic plot of some sort, it actually really did make me run faster. Perhaps it’s placebo, or perhaps excercise scientists and marketing gurus really hammered out that music in the same genre as “Eye of the Tiger”, “Oh What a Feeling”, and “Danger Zone” can physiologically make you produce better results. Whatever gets the job done.

I have been highly anxious about the coming of winter, and even sooner than that, daylight savings. Not too many after work runs in the park left for the year.  Returning to the scene of my five year rut, the gym, is less than thrilling. Especially considering that saying my physical activity and fitness level is a little more public than in years past, would be the understatment of the decade.

It’s an important lesson for me to remember.   Not just in excercise, but in life, you gotta keep things fresh.  If it’s not bringing you the joy that it once did, instead of getting scared and quitting, reinvent it.  Take it to the next level.   

I started my day anxious and pressed for time. So much so that I actually contemplated not going on my run. My $10 itunes investment, and the symbolic investment in myself, ensures a far more positive perspective towards life when I close my eyes for the night in a couple minutes.  It is this return to center, (repeated over and over and over, because that’s what it takes), that makes women beautiful.

Love her or hate her, Drew said it best:
“I think that your body is in tune your mind and your spirituality and your heart. If things are going better, I just think you look better.” – Drew Barrymore

So all I do is commit to not quit, and in 8 weeks, I can run 6 miles…..?

Amazing. Just amazing.

Well it officially caught up to me! “It” being my departure from routine, too much activity, too little sleep, inadequate nutrition, no quiet moments leading to declined spirtual fitness, and not enough exercise. My consequences manifested as a 1.4 pound weight gain. Honestly, and I truly mean this, I’m so glad this happened. Many “sins of my past” continued for way too long largely due to lack of consequences, in my opinion. Thankfully the type of consequence we’re talking about these days is something far less destructive, and far more managable…these days 1.4 pounds is nothing more than a gentle little tap on the shoulder….Clairey, time to take better care of yourself again. And I absolutely am.

Embracing weight fluctuations as data and information instead of as a moral issue, allows me to walk around today with a spring in my step, a smile on my face, and a grounded presence in the room. Rather than frightened and ashamed, I feel informed and motivated to treat my body and soul more lovingly in the upcoming week. The truly amazing thing about this is that assuredness translates to the world as beauty. It must have been 15 times today people said:
“You look amazing!! How much more weight did you lose?”
“I gained 1.4 pounds!! I feel amazing!!”

It is hard getting back to work after vacation! On some level I do appreciate the routine, as I have always been a girl who does better with structure, but it always takes me a good week to get my rhythm completely back. Lately I have been finding it more difficult to stay present in the day. I find myself vacillating between fantasizing about all the projects I want to accomplish in the future, and feeling fearful that I won’t actually be able to do them. The irony of my fears is that they have taken on a new form. When I was younger, I was very much a go getter when it came to anything that had to do with talking. I always thought that I could ultimately get pretty much anything I wanted if I was given the platform to talk about it. I somewhat scoffed formalized education, although my parents’ expectation was that I go to college and graduate school. I was more impressed by sales people, and hustlers. I thought it was fascinating that some people seemed to be born with a confidence that they could get their needs met without someone else “teaching” them anything. I wanted to be like that, and I wanted to be around people like that.

The upshot of this youthful grandiosity is that it allowed me to be fearless in certain situations that propelled my career, and enabled me to build relationships with people from whom I learned an immense amount, who may have been otherwise inaccessible to me had I been more fearful. The downside is that I feel like I could have been much more teachable, paid closer attention, and read more. I say this not because I am lamenting wasted time, because I don’t really believe in the concept of “wasted time.” Generally I believe people do things when they’re ready to do things, and most things just wouldn’t have worked had they tried to do it before they were ready. But I do believe that because maturity has blessed me with more humility, I am far more curious and attentive to other people’s writing, clinical work, and research. As a result of this increased awareness, I have increased fear. Perhaps if I had paid more attention along the way, creative professional pursuits would be normalized and a more ingrained part of my learning curve, versus eliciting a fear that everything interesting or worthwhile has already been thought of, said, or done before.

My mom is a designer, and we had a great conversation about the creative process a couple weeks ago, and I find myself thinking about it and drawing from it since. She was discussing how many modern artists have been inspired by the classics, and they re-invent these themes over and over through their own lens and their own interpretation. This is a logical and practical analogy to remember, and the emotional bottom line of this concept for me, is that with fear in the way, art would be dead.

Someone very wise said to me the other day, “a decision without action is not a decision.” These days I commit to living a life where my decisions are followed by actions. I realize it is far scarier to take action, not so much because actions themselves are scary, but because committing to the decision is scary. What if I fail? What if it doesn’t turn out the way I had hoped or planned? But the surprising truth is that the reassurance is actually in the actions. If I live a life every day, filled with actions that represent who I am at my core, and what I want to be in my future, everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.

My run was excruciating yesterday. I have tried to analyze why the level of effort varies so much from day to day when it comes to my run, and I generally have no idea. I went to the park with good mental energy. I wanted to be there, and was actually looking forward to my run which is not always the case. It was not particularly hot, I was not overtired, I was hydrated and had eaten nourishing foods that day. A tight burning sensation ripped through my calves, and noticed fear begin to creep in. I reflected upon the ways I have let the fear of failure lead me to give up before I was ready. And with that, I gently shifted from cerebral, to mindful. I channeled all my energy to noticing the pine needles on the pavement, and each strike of my foot to the ground; noticing the breath fill in and out of my lungs, and the feeling of my sharp finger nails pushing into the palms of my loosely clenched fists. With the air going into my lungs, I visualized something bigger than me, which I choose to call God, fill me up with spirit. I asked God to please show me what he wants for me. If my body is meant to slow down and walk, then so be it. If my body, mind, and spirit need to finish this run, then just carry me through it. I did not gracefully sail through the finish line, but something bigger than me certainly took over, and one arduous step at a time, I just simply did not stop till the end.

I got up this morning and decided to run around the neighborhood versus getting in the car and going to the state park, mostly because I hadn’t gotten up early enough to accommodate the drive time, and still get to my doctor’s appointment on time. It was not a great decision, because I’m realizing I just really don’t run as well in neighborhoods and higher traffic areas. It amazes me that the serenity of nature has infused me with such a profound dose of additional energy. At about 18 minutes into it this morning, I felt like I was dying, but committed to at least finishing the current song out on my Ipod. My saving grace was refocusing my thoughts on the beautiful morning, the drop in humidity and golden sunlight following the pounding rainstorm yesterday evening. The default mode of thoughts of failure I still struggle with from time to time, was replaced by the loving rationalization that this excursion is still valuable for 40 minutes of quiet. In fact, I thought, it’s probably more valuable than a run at this point. With my high level of activity lately, quieting my mind instead of suffering through a run I don’t have the energy for, is just more responsible. My gentleness of spirit allowed me to listen to my body, and take care of my fragile little self this morning.

I know that I am dragging a little partially because I am so distracted looking forward to my trip next week. But rather than begrudgingly white-knuckling it, I am actually tuning in to the fact that my body and soul are already in preparation for rest. My stronger connection to nature in recent months leaves me feeling even more aware of how powerful next week will be for me.

I stopped at Target today looking for new beach chairs to bring with us. I did not find any that I liked, but I sure found lots of other things I felt I needed! I tried on a pair of jeans, (about 5 pounds to small but otherwise perfect), a bathing suit, (adequate, but not exactly stunning) and two bathing suit cover-ups (inadequate, and frumpy.) I also found a wonderful faux snakeskin “giant weekend tote” which I thought would be perfect to carry around my lap top, notes, and reading materials. I bought the jeans, which may be surprising to those who know me because I am philosophically opposed to buying clothes that don’t fit, but they were so perfect in almost every way, and for me that is very difficult to find. The trick will be putting them in the closet and not worrying about them for now. Somewhere down the line, perhaps they will be a pleasant surprise! I did not buy the bathing suit, not for neurotic poor body image reasons, but because it did not knock my socks off, and my current financial picture dictates that purchases should all be knock my socks off in nature. The cover-ups just looked cheap and frumpy, and were a no-brainer. The tote was more challenging. I strolled around the store for a few minutes with the tote in my cart, and finally decided that the tote was not a priority today. I have a perfectly fine bag to bring my laptop on vacation, and laptops and business totes are not in line with my ‘homage to nature’ trip. I can buy a tote anytime. What may have been a $200 dollar splurge was whittled down to $24.99, and I still felt just fine.

I’m currently very excited about my upcoming business ventures, and I put the deposit down with the webmaster on my revamped private practice website and blogsite. By the first week in september, I will have a whole new look and I will be offering new and exciting treatment options to go with it. One day at a time, I am truly living my dreams.

I would not be being honest if I did not mention that I have some subtly nagging fears about weighing myself tomorrow morning. It is a little scary to put myself out there to the world as to what my goals are, and risk that I will not be able to deliver. But there are truths that I must share before my head hits the pillow tonight….to you….and for me. The truth is, I am *not* running around calculating calorically what I ate in a desperate attempt to forecast what tomorrow will bring. That was the old days, and I will never go back to that way of life again. I get up every day, and make the healthy choices that I do, not because I am trying to become someone else, but because I love who I currently am enough to do so. The moment I forget that, I risk losing every beautiful gift I have been given. And with that, I commit to “no fear” in stepping on the scale tomorrow. What I may or may not lose tomorrow, is far surpassed by what I have already gained.