Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

What happens when try as you might, you cannot find 26 hours in a day?  How do you formulate your thoughts to your blogging community about how you’ve been making it to the gym about 50% of the established goal time?   What do you say about the fact that you’re not sure how could possibly envision training for a half marathon at this point while working full time and running two businesses?….so what if your NEW goals start to trump your old goals??? 

It is fear of people’s perception of me that was making me hesitate to re-evaluate my goals at this juncture.  I never want to be considered the kind of person who makes all kinds of big proclamations and doesn’t follow through.  However, what a journey I have been on, for it is now that I can see that it is the physical conditioning and detoxification I have undergone since last July responsible for the mental clarity that launched this next phase of my personal and professional development.  I am finally in a place where I am driven and inspired in a context that has no direct or indirect connection with my weight, body image, or relationship with food.   Hallelujah.

How easy it is to counsel in my private practice, or to my best friend: “Don’t be scared to try things.  Life is not finite.  For today, let this be your plan, tomorrow you may feel differently, and that’s wonderful!”   How much harder it is to remember to apply these concepts to my own life.  But it’s true…I am not abandoning running, and I am not abandoning LoveNotLipo.  In fact, recognizing the impact of those two entities in my life makes my heart swell with gratitude, reverance, and love and bring a tear to my eye.  On July 5th 2010 LoveNotLipo was born, and taking my emotional healing and physical conditioning to the next level, I have documented my journey faithfully ever since. 

I am incredibly fulfilled and excited at this point in my life.  I have learned to let some things go, like  I cannot always have immediate gratification for example…my laundry may take 2 weeks to fold…and I may eat protein shakes for dinner for a while.  Yet I have realized other things are far more valuable than I ever knew.  Listening to others is more important than talking…generousity of spirit is more important than being right…succeeding in helping others is more important than being the best…and never quitting is more important than winning. 

I wonder what the next gift will be?  Because I am awestruck that it just keeps getting better. 

I had my Arbonne business launch party this weekend, and I am physically exhausted, and emotionally and spiritually elated.  I  have met the most amazing and beautiful women inside and out, and I feel like a better person every day that I participate in this business model and company culture of self development.  The money and the amazing life changing wellness products are just a bonus.  My heart is open to life lessons that previously still had not been uncovered, no matter how much work I had done on myself, and that is the real gift. 

For today, I will strive to live a life of balance:  Recovery, faith, family, nutrition and physical activity, my career in mental health, and my entrepreneurial enterpises.  For today, this is what I choose.

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

It certainly seemed acceptable in my cranky state of being yesterday to gloss right over what has been going on with my eating and 10K training lately, but with Sunday morning clarity, I realized I have been talking SO little about food and excercise that some of my readers who thought this was a weight loss blog might be getting bored. 

I’ve been making some really amazing food lately.  Although I have not ruled sugar out completely (I am a very rebellious eater so restriction does not serve me well) I notice that I do far better with regard to both energy levels, and weight loss when I am not eating sugar or white flour.  Since sugar is infused into almost everything, this means the more simple, and the less processed the food is, the better I tolerate it.  I have been obsessed with my Crock Pot lately.  My logic is this:  people slather meats in oils, cheeses and breadcrumbs because it makes it moist and yummy.  The slow cooker prepares the meat in such a way that it is moist, yummy, and drenched in its own flavors to the extent that the other less healthy ingredients are not necessary.  Last week I made Chicken Cacciatore, which was essentially chicken thighs slow cooked in tomato sauce with capers and kalamata olives.  This week I made both orange chicken and adobo chicken, both from my favorite new food blog site.  The orange chicken is very sugary because of the orange juice concentrate.  I did however replace the flour with whole grain gluten free baking mix which tasted delicious, and works better for my body.  I just go easy on the sauce, which is the sugary part.  The meat has absorbed so much flavor after cooking for 6 hours that you don’t need much sauce. 

A major starch we’ve been using in our house lately is sweet potatoes.  Often I cut them into strips, toss with olive oil, sprinkle with kosher salt (and red pepper flakes if you like them a little spicy) and roast them in the oven on 450 till crispy.  Alternatively I prepared them mashed.   I cut up sweet potatoes into large chunks, skin on, and boil them in water till soft.  I mince a generous amount of garlic, put it in a pot with brummel and brown yogurt butter on low until bubbly but not boiling and the garlic pieces have softened but have not yet turned brown.  I drain the potatoes, put them back in the pot, and pour the garlic/butter over them.  Then I add chopped fresh sage, milk or cream, and kosher salt, then mash.  Yummy.  I find that I only need a couple tablespoons of these.  They’re rich and flavorful, a little starch and a lot of vitamins which definitely does the trick. 

10 K training has been pretty amazing.  After Friday’s run I was half way through with week 4, but I was not suprised when I woke up sick on Saturday, because I could not even handle the last sprint interval Friday night.  Instead of stopping, I let go of the interval, and finished out the last 9 minutes of the run with an easy jog.  Saturday was my planned rest day, and I reluctantly took an unscheduled additional rest day today to heal.  Instead of panicking about not being “perfect” I am choosing to feel ok in the context of listening to my body.  My logic is that I will perform better and stronger after a couple days off.  So I bought a new gym bag this weekend, with a goal of making packing for the gym more convenient, which will enable me to work out in the morning more often, which will enable me to write in the evening more often.  As stated the other day by one of my colleagues, a former marathon runner, running is like a metaphor for life.  If you trust the process, and just keep doing what you’re supposed to be doing, no less and no more, you just succeed.

Prologue: this entry was written yesterday, and I had no internet access until today in order to post. So finally…

So I’m in the car, riding shotgun in a torrential downpour for the last 3 hours, trying to make the best of this imperfect kick-off to my week in the Cape. I called my mom to distract myself from my current (and I’m sure annoying) propensity for grabbing the sides of my seat every time Todd jams on the brakes. She told me that she had signed onto my blog and was disappointed to find that I had not written anything about yesterday’s weigh in. She also pointed out the risk (my mom’s specialty) that my readers will interpret my lack of posting as an indication that I gained weight yesterday. Todd poked fun at my mom and I for acting as though there are thousands of you out there waiting with bated breath to hear about my weight. So if there is one or two of you out there who are interested to know, I lost 3.6 pounds this week!! A total of 9.6 since July 5th when I started the blog.

Of course I am pleased with the outcome. But what I am most struck by is how truly clueless I was as to how this was going to play out this Friday. I remember reading in my textbooks in college about how part of the pathology of anorexia is that anorexics have the deluded belief that they can see on their bodies weight fluctuation even as insignificant as one pound. I remember my professor saying “and of course that is absolutely ludicrous that they can see that, but it’s real in their head though.” I remember feeling startled by his commentary, reflecting upon how I always seemed to be able to predict weight fluctuations in my body practically to the ounce. I did not think I was anorexic in the context of these musings, nor did I even see it as eating disordered thinking. However, I do find it incredibly intriguing that on the one hand I am happier and more in tuned with my body than I have ever felt, but on the other hand I seem to have lost the ability to predict my weight. That can’t be a coincidence, and leaves me humbled, thinking about how just when I thought I had it all figured out, I continue to discover more examples and a deeper understanding of my sick history with food and my body image.

Last week I was prepared to have dropped several pounds, running around feeling light, and full of bouncy energy. Instead I stepped on the scale and was shocked to see it register half a measly pound. I’ll admit, it took some mental and spiritual energy to regroup from that. The main thing I thought about in moving forward is my profound gratitude for the place I have arrived. The place where treating my body and myself with respect, matters more than anything else. And yes, that means far more than my weight. One day during a support group I was running for individuals struggling with obesity, one of the members talked about how if she knew for a fact she was never going to lose more weight, she knew she couldn’t keep up with the lifestyle she was living. Really that leaves us all with two choices when we are facing the challenges of eating and body image issues. We either stick with it, and plug away at living a life that we can feel amazing about when our head hits the pillow at night, devoid of regret, shame, and dishonesty. Or we can revert back to old self destructive behaviors, and continue to brutalize our bodies, minds, and spirits because the outcomes on the scale are not as exciting as we had hoped. So having fastidiously woven these spiritual principles throughout my last week, I strung together a series of beautifully fulfilling experiences this week, one day at a time. Prior to stepping on the scale yesterday, I took a deep breath and told something way bigger than me, that I was comfortable with whatever number flashed across that shiny glass surface, because I finally get it.

I had an amazing week, and I’m looking forward to another one. The rain has finally stopped, and we’re almost there. 3.6 pounds was just a bonus.