Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

Everyone’s been talking about “all-or-nothing-thinking” lately!!  I guess I must listen to the message–  From a psychology perspective, all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that involves perceiving a situation in absolute terms, generally as all bad, or all good.  People predisposed to depression, anxiety, and addiction tend to frequently resort to all or nothing thinking in their daily lives.  For someone who feels depressed or stuck, all or nothing thinking can be very damaging.  It reinforces belief systems such as “I will always fail,” “she is perfect,” “my career is going nowhere,” “I will never get better.”  The upshot of all or nothing thinking is that when you feel well, the situation is “all good!”  These bouts involve thoughts like “I’m finally cured!” “I will never make those mistakes again,” “Everything has clicked and my life is finally going to be happy.”  This “top of the world” sensation is very enticing, and therefore hard to let go of.  However, managing depression, anxiety, and addiction is more about embracing, and getting comfortable and familiar with a balanced lifestyle, versus relying on absolutism for comfort or a  cure.

This blog entry would turn into a biography if I were to list all the ways in which I fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking in my life.  For the purposes of this entry, I will highlight the following example:

I have not written in Lovenotlipo since December 14th, 2011.  In the 5 or so weeks that have elapsed since that time, I have experienced a lot of ups, and a lot of downs.  As the days continued to fly by, I became more and more disheartened and anxious about the time spent apart from my blog, what that could mean for my readership, and what it represented with regard to my ability to stick to my personal and professional committments.  And as my anxiety and disappointment in myself increased, my desire to write on my blog decreased.  What could have been simply chalked up to a busy and confusing time in my life that pulled me away from some of my personal initiatives, had evolved into a perception of another failure, that ultimately resulted in avoidance.

So in the context of all this dialogue about all-or-nothing-thinking, I am rescuing Lovenotlipo!! (And if I’m being honest, there are several other areas that got blocked up by this maladaptive thought process this holiday season.)

All-or-nothing-thinking: “There is no point in writing in my blog because there is nothing authentic or relevant I can write to my readers today that would compensate for the fact that I have written nothing for 5 weeks.  I have probably lost all my readers by now anyway!!”

Adaptive thinking: “What happened with avoiding my blog is probably something many of my readers can relate to, so all-or-nothing-thinking is a great discussion topic!  Plus, I can easily catch people up on some of my life events with some pictures.  People love looking at pictures!”

So with that….

Since I talked to you last I:

spent some time over the holidays with my favorite people

Got some really great presents (Todd picked this perfect bag out with no assistance or feedback!!)

Ate some really delicious and nutritious foods

Ate some not-as-nutritious but absolutely delicious foods,

Went out to celebrate some high points,

Brought myself back to center at my sponsor’s farm following some low-points,

Went to some holiday parties,

and every time I’m in doubt and need a mental break, I’ve been fantasizing about this place:

Wedding Site

or this place:

Honeymoon Site

What happens when try as you might, you cannot find 26 hours in a day?  How do you formulate your thoughts to your blogging community about how you’ve been making it to the gym about 50% of the established goal time?   What do you say about the fact that you’re not sure how could possibly envision training for a half marathon at this point while working full time and running two businesses?….so what if your NEW goals start to trump your old goals??? 

It is fear of people’s perception of me that was making me hesitate to re-evaluate my goals at this juncture.  I never want to be considered the kind of person who makes all kinds of big proclamations and doesn’t follow through.  However, what a journey I have been on, for it is now that I can see that it is the physical conditioning and detoxification I have undergone since last July responsible for the mental clarity that launched this next phase of my personal and professional development.  I am finally in a place where I am driven and inspired in a context that has no direct or indirect connection with my weight, body image, or relationship with food.   Hallelujah.

How easy it is to counsel in my private practice, or to my best friend: “Don’t be scared to try things.  Life is not finite.  For today, let this be your plan, tomorrow you may feel differently, and that’s wonderful!”   How much harder it is to remember to apply these concepts to my own life.  But it’s true…I am not abandoning running, and I am not abandoning LoveNotLipo.  In fact, recognizing the impact of those two entities in my life makes my heart swell with gratitude, reverance, and love and bring a tear to my eye.  On July 5th 2010 LoveNotLipo was born, and taking my emotional healing and physical conditioning to the next level, I have documented my journey faithfully ever since. 

I am incredibly fulfilled and excited at this point in my life.  I have learned to let some things go, like  I cannot always have immediate gratification for example…my laundry may take 2 weeks to fold…and I may eat protein shakes for dinner for a while.  Yet I have realized other things are far more valuable than I ever knew.  Listening to others is more important than talking…generousity of spirit is more important than being right…succeeding in helping others is more important than being the best…and never quitting is more important than winning. 

I wonder what the next gift will be?  Because I am awestruck that it just keeps getting better. 

I had my Arbonne business launch party this weekend, and I am physically exhausted, and emotionally and spiritually elated.  I  have met the most amazing and beautiful women inside and out, and I feel like a better person every day that I participate in this business model and company culture of self development.  The money and the amazing life changing wellness products are just a bonus.  My heart is open to life lessons that previously still had not been uncovered, no matter how much work I had done on myself, and that is the real gift. 

For today, I will strive to live a life of balance:  Recovery, faith, family, nutrition and physical activity, my career in mental health, and my entrepreneurial enterpises.  For today, this is what I choose.

I am so busy lately trying to launch some new projects, but I’m the kind of person, where if I let it, I can quickly drop all the balls I’ve got in the air.  Therefore, I am going to try to stay committed to my blog regularly, even if it means the postings have to be short and sweet, so here’s what I’ve been thinking about that may be of value to some, and yet possibly ridiculous to others:

• My hands are aging faster than any other part of my body!  What a weird thing!  I have never had pretty hands or nails, and I think I’ve finally accepted that short, clean, square nails are truly where it’s at for me, and I’m ok with it. 

• I thought I was good at multi-tasking, but I’m getting better.  I have a bathroom/dressing room, and I LOATHE straightening it up (ie hanging up clothes) when I haven’t kept up on keeping it neat (which is usually.)  I also LOATHE my evening routine of packing all my stuff for the gym in the morning, and finding an outfit for work tomorrow.  These tasks combined with washing my face etc. seem to take forever!  My new strategy is to race upstairs when I get home from work, and return outstanding phonecalls, while neatening up my bathroom and packing clothes for the gym.  Once the tasks are complete, I feel much more relaxed blogging or working on my other enterprises.  This is a “worst first” approach, and it also ensures that I will not procrastinate in calling people back, always looking for the elusive “perfect time” that never comes.  I go into my evening feeling less pressured to head up to get ready for bed because I’m already organized. 
• I love to be organized, it is not innate, so I have to work harder at it, and be far more disciplined than perhaps the average person, but making organization a priority in my life has completely turned my world around.
• Fear is the single most thing that stands in the way of achieving my big dreams.  Several years ago, the prospect of having a private practice felt so intangible and unrealistic.  Yet in the blink of an eye and without much planning on my part, I was moving into a house with coincidentally the ideal layout for running a practice from home.  I listened to the signs, and the rest they say is history.  I’m sitting in my “office” right now.

"Cozy, right?"

Not only was this dream achieved, it almost seems like “no big deal” now.  Imagine if let fear get in the way of pursuing the practice?  Imagine what it would feel like to always wonder “what if?”  Imagine if I stopped there, and didn’t realize that when you accomplish something big, it means now you can accomplish something BIGGER. 

I have some big dreams I’m about to tackle, and everyone who succeeded at something big was one of the people who didn’t let fear stop them from seeing how far they could go….

In a former post I talked about a very inspirational speaker I saw back in October, Rita Davenport, who’s book I am currently reading: “Making Time, Making Money.”  I had to special order it through Amazon because it is out of print, but I have to say more than any book I’ve read in a long time, I am thoroughly enjoying it.  I am somewhat cynical about “self help books” which is ironic because my career is based around self help, but finding material that is fresh and inspiring can sometimes be a challenge.  However, it is important to keep in mind that even when a topic is “old news,” it can be totally revived through the interpretation of the person presenting it.  It therefore made good sense that I read a book about success written by a woman who’s talk moved me as deeply as Rita’s did.  Not only is Rita’s book a structured game-plan for time management and achieving goals, even more profoundly, it coaches you on how to dream.  I’ve been amazed by not only the impact of planning out and writing my goals for the future down to the last detail, but also just the pure pleasure and relaxation I experience through doing these type of exercises.  The pure pleasure is a result of connecting with my inner resources: imagining, dreaming, planning my future exactly the way I want it…    A happy, exciting, stomach flippy boost in my day that doesn’t cost a dime and has not a single calorie??  Now that’s a page turner!

The question I am asked above any other is: “Aren’t you worried about being so public about your life in your blog?”  This is one of those situations in your life where you’re like: “Well I wasn’t worrried before you asked me that, but now I kind of am.”  This got me thinking about fear, and how many of our fears exist either because we chose to take on something someone else tossed our way, or because we are doing something that deep down we knew was not right, or in the least, not true to ourselves. 

Anyone who knows me well is aware that Geneen Roth is a life-changing writer in my life.  In one of Geneen’s most powerful essays titled ”Money, Loss, and What Can Never Be Lost” she tells the story of having lost her entire retirement savings in a Ponzi Scheme.  That story, which I have read multiple times, always makes me think about the fact that once a devastating loss has occurred, such as losing your nest egg, or any other fundamental symbol of security, the fear component of your intense range of emotions is usually over, and is replaced by another emotion, grief, guilt, regret, loneliness etc….What’s done is done.  Now you know….and you deal with the wreckage.   And even more profoud, Geneen’s capacity for self reflection and honesty enables her to now see, and share with the world through her writing, that she abandoned her core beliefs about money, security, discipline, and patience by getting wrapped up with the Ponzi Scheme in the first place.  Looking back on the situation she views it almost like a natural consequence of her temporary departure from “self.”  To crudely oversimplify, in returning to herself, she utlizes her spirtually informed lens of acceptance, that the only thing she can control at this point is to get back to basics…get back to her true core for driving her life decisions.   Lamenting the money, or being stagnant in victim status over what occurred, will not only not bring the money back, it will thwart happiness indefinitely. 

So when I notice fear of ”what might happen” crop up in my life, most recently about my blog, I have to ask myself when those feelings appear: “what am I actually afraid will occur as a result of the blog?” and employ brutal honesty in answering that question to myself.  Here’s what I came up with:

1) 

Fear: People will make a judgement about me based on my writing, or think I’m trying to be something I’m not.      

Reality:  This blog is actually the greatest personal accountability tool one could ever possess.  Every day people in contact with me will have the opportunity to observe if my actions and behaviors match my writing.  And since I want above all things to be a person who’s actions match their words, this is a checks-and-balance, and a no-brainer.

2)

Fear: People will disregard me as an appropriate choice as their Counselor or Life-Coach because they can see my flaws and my perfectly imperfect life.

Reality:  I actually so passionately believe in my treatment methodology and modalities, because of the fact that my history of research and hard work has literally saved my life.  I continue to grow and evolve each day, as all of us do if we’re willing.  I am grateful to be able to be transparent about that fact, and demonstrate through my actions, the value and positive outcomes of my philosophy and approach. 

3)

Fear: People will look for my failures or resent my successes                    

Reality:  What does that have to do with me or my personal goals?  Why would I ever give another human being so much power that i could let their opinions derail me from something I feel so passionately about? 

4)

Fear: people will question whether I’m really being totally honest, or forthcoming.

Reality: there are some topics I will not get into in detail in this blog.  Mostly because they involve other people and it would not be appropriate to determine whether other people’s laundry is clean or dirty, and air it for them as such.  This boils down to having good boundaries.  As I constantly emphasize to my clients, without boundaries, honesty and self disclosure is self serving and overwhelming to self and others.  I trust myself enough to discern what is appropriate for public domain, and what details I must work through in more personal venues.  I will always weave into my writing the macro lessons I learn from the micro events, situations, and interactions in my life.

5)

Fear: What if I can’t uphold in my life what I committed to in my blog?

Reality: Choosing to do the blog was a symbolic illustration of how serious I am about committing to the lifestyle I advocate to my clients, therefore the incentive is incredibly high to remain true.  The major tenet of my teaching is “never, ever, ever, give up.”  In this context, it doesn’t matter if I have “failures.”  The failures are all part of the ultimate process in that Falling Down is only relevant because of Getting Back Up.  Committing on paper to never be a quitter does not make me feel afraid.  That, I can promise.   

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in perfect harmony.”

                                                                              - Mahatma Gandhi

I got up this morning and decided to run around the neighborhood versus getting in the car and going to the state park, mostly because I hadn’t gotten up early enough to accommodate the drive time, and still get to my doctor’s appointment on time. It was not a great decision, because I’m realizing I just really don’t run as well in neighborhoods and higher traffic areas. It amazes me that the serenity of nature has infused me with such a profound dose of additional energy. At about 18 minutes into it this morning, I felt like I was dying, but committed to at least finishing the current song out on my Ipod. My saving grace was refocusing my thoughts on the beautiful morning, the drop in humidity and golden sunlight following the pounding rainstorm yesterday evening. The default mode of thoughts of failure I still struggle with from time to time, was replaced by the loving rationalization that this excursion is still valuable for 40 minutes of quiet. In fact, I thought, it’s probably more valuable than a run at this point. With my high level of activity lately, quieting my mind instead of suffering through a run I don’t have the energy for, is just more responsible. My gentleness of spirit allowed me to listen to my body, and take care of my fragile little self this morning.

I know that I am dragging a little partially because I am so distracted looking forward to my trip next week. But rather than begrudgingly white-knuckling it, I am actually tuning in to the fact that my body and soul are already in preparation for rest. My stronger connection to nature in recent months leaves me feeling even more aware of how powerful next week will be for me.

I stopped at Target today looking for new beach chairs to bring with us. I did not find any that I liked, but I sure found lots of other things I felt I needed! I tried on a pair of jeans, (about 5 pounds to small but otherwise perfect), a bathing suit, (adequate, but not exactly stunning) and two bathing suit cover-ups (inadequate, and frumpy.) I also found a wonderful faux snakeskin “giant weekend tote” which I thought would be perfect to carry around my lap top, notes, and reading materials. I bought the jeans, which may be surprising to those who know me because I am philosophically opposed to buying clothes that don’t fit, but they were so perfect in almost every way, and for me that is very difficult to find. The trick will be putting them in the closet and not worrying about them for now. Somewhere down the line, perhaps they will be a pleasant surprise! I did not buy the bathing suit, not for neurotic poor body image reasons, but because it did not knock my socks off, and my current financial picture dictates that purchases should all be knock my socks off in nature. The cover-ups just looked cheap and frumpy, and were a no-brainer. The tote was more challenging. I strolled around the store for a few minutes with the tote in my cart, and finally decided that the tote was not a priority today. I have a perfectly fine bag to bring my laptop on vacation, and laptops and business totes are not in line with my ‘homage to nature’ trip. I can buy a tote anytime. What may have been a $200 dollar splurge was whittled down to $24.99, and I still felt just fine.

I’m currently very excited about my upcoming business ventures, and I put the deposit down with the webmaster on my revamped private practice website and blogsite. By the first week in september, I will have a whole new look and I will be offering new and exciting treatment options to go with it. One day at a time, I am truly living my dreams.

I would not be being honest if I did not mention that I have some subtly nagging fears about weighing myself tomorrow morning. It is a little scary to put myself out there to the world as to what my goals are, and risk that I will not be able to deliver. But there are truths that I must share before my head hits the pillow tonight….to you….and for me. The truth is, I am *not* running around calculating calorically what I ate in a desperate attempt to forecast what tomorrow will bring. That was the old days, and I will never go back to that way of life again. I get up every day, and make the healthy choices that I do, not because I am trying to become someone else, but because I love who I currently am enough to do so. The moment I forget that, I risk losing every beautiful gift I have been given. And with that, I commit to “no fear” in stepping on the scale tomorrow. What I may or may not lose tomorrow, is far surpassed by what I have already gained.