Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

Everyone’s been talking about “all-or-nothing-thinking” lately!!  I guess I must listen to the message–  From a psychology perspective, all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that involves perceiving a situation in absolute terms, generally as all bad, or all good.  People predisposed to depression, anxiety, and addiction tend to frequently resort to all or nothing thinking in their daily lives.  For someone who feels depressed or stuck, all or nothing thinking can be very damaging.  It reinforces belief systems such as “I will always fail,” “she is perfect,” “my career is going nowhere,” “I will never get better.”  The upshot of all or nothing thinking is that when you feel well, the situation is “all good!”  These bouts involve thoughts like “I’m finally cured!” “I will never make those mistakes again,” “Everything has clicked and my life is finally going to be happy.”  This “top of the world” sensation is very enticing, and therefore hard to let go of.  However, managing depression, anxiety, and addiction is more about embracing, and getting comfortable and familiar with a balanced lifestyle, versus relying on absolutism for comfort or a  cure.

This blog entry would turn into a biography if I were to list all the ways in which I fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking in my life.  For the purposes of this entry, I will highlight the following example:

I have not written in Lovenotlipo since December 14th, 2011.  In the 5 or so weeks that have elapsed since that time, I have experienced a lot of ups, and a lot of downs.  As the days continued to fly by, I became more and more disheartened and anxious about the time spent apart from my blog, what that could mean for my readership, and what it represented with regard to my ability to stick to my personal and professional committments.  And as my anxiety and disappointment in myself increased, my desire to write on my blog decreased.  What could have been simply chalked up to a busy and confusing time in my life that pulled me away from some of my personal initiatives, had evolved into a perception of another failure, that ultimately resulted in avoidance.

So in the context of all this dialogue about all-or-nothing-thinking, I am rescuing Lovenotlipo!! (And if I’m being honest, there are several other areas that got blocked up by this maladaptive thought process this holiday season.)

All-or-nothing-thinking: “There is no point in writing in my blog because there is nothing authentic or relevant I can write to my readers today that would compensate for the fact that I have written nothing for 5 weeks.  I have probably lost all my readers by now anyway!!”

Adaptive thinking: “What happened with avoiding my blog is probably something many of my readers can relate to, so all-or-nothing-thinking is a great discussion topic!  Plus, I can easily catch people up on some of my life events with some pictures.  People love looking at pictures!”

So with that….

Since I talked to you last I:

spent some time over the holidays with my favorite people

Got some really great presents (Todd picked this perfect bag out with no assistance or feedback!!)

Ate some really delicious and nutritious foods

Ate some not-as-nutritious but absolutely delicious foods,

Went out to celebrate some high points,

Brought myself back to center at my sponsor’s farm following some low-points,

Went to some holiday parties,

and every time I’m in doubt and need a mental break, I’ve been fantasizing about this place:

Wedding Site

or this place:

Honeymoon Site

www.georgelaingphotography.com

I feel really optimistic and motivated the last few days.  When life is feeling stale and the days are mindlessly flying by, I find it very helpful to regroup and reorganize.  Setting new goals and priorities makes me feel refreshed and productive.  Yesterday morning I met with my new Trainer Terry Pittman at my gym.  We really hit it off for our first session, in that not only did I feel like he had a solid grasp on a healthy fitness lifestyle, I felt like he had a good understanding of the science behind how my body has been functioning (or under functioning) and in addition, the part my mind plays in my outcomes.

After the question and answer period, where Terry learned about my history, personality, and goals, we moved into the workout.  It was relatively brief considering the amount of time I have logged away in gyms over the years, it was all over the place, and nothing I would have thought to design on my own.  Terry explained that this was all part of “confusing my body into a higher level of fitness.”  In this context I can see where having a trainer is very helpful as compared to working out alone.

We started with planks combined with controlled leg swings out to the side.  We did lat pull downs, cardio interval bursts, and these crazy pull up leg raises I have never done or seen before.  The workout wrapped up when I got to the 13th rep of the second set of these babies.  When I told Terry that I felt a little nauseous, he immediately had me stop and then we walked around the gym for a while cooling off.  He explained to me that my body had reached its limit and was letting me know it was time to stop.  I was sort of surprised when this feeling came over me, because since the workout kept switching up so quickly into new transitions, I almost didn’t have time to realize my level of exertion.  I am far more familiar with the feeling of exertion in the form of running for an hour, or sprinting for 120 seconds.  As we cooled down, Terry explained to me how crucial it is to listen to your body, and to work with it, not against it.  He told me that he could tell that I have the kind of personality that would sometimes drive me to push harder than necessary at first, resulting in burning myself out.  (Has he been following Lovenotlipo or something??)

“The gym is always going to be here.  Slow down and give this process the time it deserves,” he encouraged.

He designed a rough schedule for me for the upcoming weeks.  We will train together on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and  will do 45 minutes of cardio on 2 of the alternate days, and rest the two remaining days.  “Now, when I say rest,” he said, “I mean rest.  Do nothing towards your fitness goals beyond healthy food choices.”  The other thing he said that struck me, was to try and avoid being too rigid.  He advised me to switch up what days I take off, and what foods I eat.   He said that success is when these behaviors feel natural, not regimented.

It is always refreshing to talk to people who understand the link between psychology and our outcomes.  Since the beginning, I have had a goal for Lovenotlipo to be a blog that embodies “healthy lifestyle” holistically, meaning that downfalls, reconfigurations, and neuroses are showcased as simply part of my process…a part that I speculate most of us can relate to.   Even as the author of this blog, and a therapist specializing in the field, from time to time I question whether my fears, failures, and insecurities are normal.  I can easily be tricked into believing, looking at the glossy photos and smiling faces in other Healthy Lifestyle Blogs, that others are better equipped than I, and are sailing through life effortlessly making good lifestyle choices.

I have never experienced the sensation of “sailing effortlessly” in my life, but I can tell you however, that I never quit.  I place importance on the value of evolving into a better person, in whatever new form that manifests, above all other values.  With this value placed at the forefront, I will inevitably be a better friend, daughter, wife, mother, sister, employee, and bottom line…happier.

Managing family and work stress in the middle of a long, icy winter leaves me sliding on the proverbial slippery slope towards loss of inspiration.  So much of getting out of a funk is about recalibrating the brain.  I woke up this morning humming with anxiety, noticing the clutter and mid winter filth all around me.

"Clutter"

"Filth"

I took a deep breath, and started with the basics.  I straightened up the kitchen, stripped the bed, threw some laundry in, and set up my materials for cooking for the week.  I made the conscious decision to invest an hour or two into sifting through my new magazines, with a healthy breakfast, and a cup of coffee.  I decided to try not to stress about the blog, and trust that the ideas and inspiration would eventually just come.

"Breakfast"

Honey flavored Greek Yogurt (the best) with 2 Tbsp walnuts, 1 Tbsp unsweetened shredded coconut, and a small sliced banana.

Todd bought me Runners World for Christmas, and it’s like a little book of happiness that comes to me once a month.  I really appreciate that so many of the articles are geared towards “non-experts,” and the running-speak got me smiling and feeling immediately at ease remembering my autumn runs in the state park.  Now I’m sitting here feeling the promise of spring being around the corner, and validated that of course I’m feeling less inspired lately pent up in the house and the gym, and what a great time to have focused on strength training…how smart of me!

It also got me thinking back on my goals, one of which was to be fitted for new running sneakers by February 1st.  Yikes!  Today is Janauary 30th!  Moments later my mom called me and said that she would love to get together for coffee.  Now I have incentive to get moving and get my cooking done, because all of a sudden, I’ve got my inspiration back!

So you see, just by briefly immersing myself into something that feuls me, I almost instantly turned a blah overwhelming morning into a day filled with the promise of love and inspiration.

I always emphasize to my clients the importance of specificity in developing goals.  I made sure I had representation of spiritual,  physical, aesthetic, natural, and financial areas in my goals.  The optimism of a new year has filled me with a freedom and lightness these last few days in reflecting on how I would like to define 2011…. 

• Get fitted for ideal running sneakers by February 1st
• Complete Body for Life by March 5th, then determine next full body fitness program
• Participate in at least 4 community service/charity events this year 
• Redesign my sunroom and office
• Blog 3 times per week minimum
• Limit desert/dark chocolate to 3 times per week
• Facilitate 4 new marketing opportunities for my business
• Pay off 1/3 0f my debt, minimum, by January 2012
• Run the Adirondack Half Marathon this September (so scary, but so exciting) Register by February 1st
• Do or say one thing that is uncomfortable or scary, yet beneficial, per week

What are your goals for 2011?

So I believe I finally got out of my own head today, and bounced back from the stress of Christmas.  But true to form, my self involved moody phase is replaced with a sappy sensitive phase.  I was moved to tears three times today. 

Once at the sight of my favorite landmark on my way to the gym at 6:30 am this morning:

Next during cardio when this commercial came on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNMnxs7B1ZY

And the third time when my uncle who’s been on my mind for a lot of different reasons lately, who I haven’t talked to in a long time, and who’s not typically a “write-to-me-kinda-guy” sent me a very beautiful email. 

I love when I can remember what’s important, and forget about what’s not.

I was never one to say I dread the holidays.  In fact, I always found it overly dramatic and cliche to comment on the stress of the holidays, and was a big believer in the idea that we control how much stress we allow into our holiday existence, and how much joy we take from it.  I was humbled this Christmas season in that as much as I felt I had “simplified” and as spiritually grounded as I believed I had been coming into December, I struggled this Christmas! 

I noticed an old familiar itchy restless feeling gnawing at me over the course of the last week.  I picked nervously and compulsively at my food instead of eating it confidently for fuel.  I didn’t know what I wanted or didn’t want.  My eyes and skin looked drab and puffy when I looked in the mirror.  I contemplated my relationship with sugar from every possible angle you could imagine.  I didn’t know so many angles of sugar existed!  I found myself distracted by these ideas and less able to focus on and connect with my family and friends.  It was mid-day on December 25th that a wave of relief washed over me when I suddenly remembered this fundamental premise.  Distraction.  That’s what all these obsessive thoughts are.  That’s what an eating disorder is.  That’s what a diet is!  It’s all just distraction.  It’s all just a way to not feel, and to not connect with what’s in front of you.  I reflected on the immensity of the idea of “wasted time” and how wonderful it would be to get back the days we had flushed down the toilet distracted by something that didn’t matter.

Perhaps I didn’t eat an Ultrametabolism Diet over Christmas.  Perhaps I ate more sugar than is my preference.  But my heart swells with gratitude and pride when I remember to refrain from judgement and celebrate the absolutely amazing ways that I take care of myself in so many areas of my life.  When I find my thoughts drifting to being “perfect” a lot, or having the feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach, there are serious clues that that something is off kilter.  I have made it through a holiday season exercising 6 days a week, establishing more intense fitness goals with each passing session, and have continued to prioritize nutritious foods overall regardless of whatever bumps in the road I encountered.  These are the behaviors of a woman who loves and respects herself…a woman who sometimes falls down, and is still OK.  I am far from perfect, but I am authentic…..and I am relentless.  I can promise you that.

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

It sounds like such a big number, but in reviewing my progress I see that it brings me right back to where I was three or four weeks ago before I had this weird weight gain phase.  Whatever.  I’m so over obsessing about numbers.  They change all the time, and sometimes without rhyme or reason.  My goal is to trend in the general direction of downward, with awareness that there will be blips in the radar in both directions from time to time.  Just as I will not beat myself up over a weight gain, I will not overdo it in celebrating a weight loss.

My flat and pragmatic tone is half due to intrapsychic growth on the topic of weight, and half due to the cold my family and I are all currently suffering.  It’s 9pm, and my honey and I have already been in bed for a half an hour, having abandoned our original plans of going to dinner at one my good friend’s house this evening.  We all attempted to plug away at the day, and make the best out of this crisp and sunshiney Saturday.  Todd and Jakey and I went to Saratoga Apple, had cider donuts (them), coffee (me), and rode in a rickety cart pulled by a John Deere deep into the orchards where we strolled around and picked half a peck.  There are not too many scenarios that could make me feel much more peaceful and fulfilled than this, yet I struggled to fully engage, continuing to try and power through this cold. 

When we got home, I rushed around attempting to prepare the most delicious mashed sweet potatoes you could imagine which I promised my host, who is an amazingly talented child psychiatrist, but apparently not much of a cook, per his report.  I continued to try and ignore how depleted I felt, holding on to the notion that getting all decked out after a nice hot shower would revive me.  That is until Todd anounced to me that the hot water heater is broken.  No shower, just chills and body aches, an impending large home repair expense, and a huge vat of sweet potatoes.  I was on the verge of a major temper tantrum, and ultimately announced to Todd that we’re not going to the dinner party, and I impulsively jumped in my car to deliver the potatoes to my host’s doorstep, along with my apologies.  He was quite gracious, and handed me a giant birthday cake that he was planning to serve for desert (my birthday is 10/18) which made me feel more badly for bailing, but very special.  Although I didn’t indulge, I served my honey a nice fat slice of cocount cake with pleasure.  Between his hacking cough, and my wild temparment which is only exaccerbated by plumbing issues and virus, he deserves it.

And P.S. people who are not emotional eaters, like Todd, don’t think of cake as “deserving it.”  Oh the irony.