Love Not Lipo ... Live a Little, Love a Lot

Everyone’s been talking about “all-or-nothing-thinking” lately!!  I guess I must listen to the message–  From a psychology perspective, all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that involves perceiving a situation in absolute terms, generally as all bad, or all good.  People predisposed to depression, anxiety, and addiction tend to frequently resort to all or nothing thinking in their daily lives.  For someone who feels depressed or stuck, all or nothing thinking can be very damaging.  It reinforces belief systems such as “I will always fail,” “she is perfect,” “my career is going nowhere,” “I will never get better.”  The upshot of all or nothing thinking is that when you feel well, the situation is “all good!”  These bouts involve thoughts like “I’m finally cured!” “I will never make those mistakes again,” “Everything has clicked and my life is finally going to be happy.”  This “top of the world” sensation is very enticing, and therefore hard to let go of.  However, managing depression, anxiety, and addiction is more about embracing, and getting comfortable and familiar with a balanced lifestyle, versus relying on absolutism for comfort or a  cure.

This blog entry would turn into a biography if I were to list all the ways in which I fall prey to all-or-nothing thinking in my life.  For the purposes of this entry, I will highlight the following example:

I have not written in Lovenotlipo since December 14th, 2011.  In the 5 or so weeks that have elapsed since that time, I have experienced a lot of ups, and a lot of downs.  As the days continued to fly by, I became more and more disheartened and anxious about the time spent apart from my blog, what that could mean for my readership, and what it represented with regard to my ability to stick to my personal and professional committments.  And as my anxiety and disappointment in myself increased, my desire to write on my blog decreased.  What could have been simply chalked up to a busy and confusing time in my life that pulled me away from some of my personal initiatives, had evolved into a perception of another failure, that ultimately resulted in avoidance.

So in the context of all this dialogue about all-or-nothing-thinking, I am rescuing Lovenotlipo!! (And if I’m being honest, there are several other areas that got blocked up by this maladaptive thought process this holiday season.)

All-or-nothing-thinking: “There is no point in writing in my blog because there is nothing authentic or relevant I can write to my readers today that would compensate for the fact that I have written nothing for 5 weeks.  I have probably lost all my readers by now anyway!!”

Adaptive thinking: “What happened with avoiding my blog is probably something many of my readers can relate to, so all-or-nothing-thinking is a great discussion topic!  Plus, I can easily catch people up on some of my life events with some pictures.  People love looking at pictures!”

So with that….

Since I talked to you last I:

spent some time over the holidays with my favorite people

Got some really great presents (Todd picked this perfect bag out with no assistance or feedback!!)

Ate some really delicious and nutritious foods

Ate some not-as-nutritious but absolutely delicious foods,

Went out to celebrate some high points,

Brought myself back to center at my sponsor’s farm following some low-points,

Went to some holiday parties,

and every time I’m in doubt and need a mental break, I’ve been fantasizing about this place:

Wedding Site

or this place:

Honeymoon Site

I was never one to say I dread the holidays.  In fact, I always found it overly dramatic and cliche to comment on the stress of the holidays, and was a big believer in the idea that we control how much stress we allow into our holiday existence, and how much joy we take from it.  I was humbled this Christmas season in that as much as I felt I had “simplified” and as spiritually grounded as I believed I had been coming into December, I struggled this Christmas! 

I noticed an old familiar itchy restless feeling gnawing at me over the course of the last week.  I picked nervously and compulsively at my food instead of eating it confidently for fuel.  I didn’t know what I wanted or didn’t want.  My eyes and skin looked drab and puffy when I looked in the mirror.  I contemplated my relationship with sugar from every possible angle you could imagine.  I didn’t know so many angles of sugar existed!  I found myself distracted by these ideas and less able to focus on and connect with my family and friends.  It was mid-day on December 25th that a wave of relief washed over me when I suddenly remembered this fundamental premise.  Distraction.  That’s what all these obsessive thoughts are.  That’s what an eating disorder is.  That’s what a diet is!  It’s all just distraction.  It’s all just a way to not feel, and to not connect with what’s in front of you.  I reflected on the immensity of the idea of “wasted time” and how wonderful it would be to get back the days we had flushed down the toilet distracted by something that didn’t matter.

Perhaps I didn’t eat an Ultrametabolism Diet over Christmas.  Perhaps I ate more sugar than is my preference.  But my heart swells with gratitude and pride when I remember to refrain from judgement and celebrate the absolutely amazing ways that I take care of myself in so many areas of my life.  When I find my thoughts drifting to being “perfect” a lot, or having the feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach, there are serious clues that that something is off kilter.  I have made it through a holiday season exercising 6 days a week, establishing more intense fitness goals with each passing session, and have continued to prioritize nutritious foods overall regardless of whatever bumps in the road I encountered.  These are the behaviors of a woman who loves and respects herself…a woman who sometimes falls down, and is still OK.  I am far from perfect, but I am authentic…..and I am relentless.  I can promise you that.

 Yesterday morning my client brought me these beautiful branches.  I already had some Bittersweet branches, which are a very well done artificial variety, so I decided to mix in the real stuff for a breathtaking arrangement.  I am so amazed that colors like this exist in nature….and at how good they look with my blue walls!!   

Later that afternoon, we went back to my parents house to help them out again.  When the finished product is put together I’ll post some pictures.  My mom will not let me post the disarray going on currently, but believe me, it will be worth it when it’s done!  Afterwards, we went over to Melissa and Dave’s and played with them, two little girls, Rianna and Sarah, and two hotdogs, Tutter and Rosie. 

Such a great time, and so nice to relax and not have to do anything except gossip and laugh.  We had Indian food for dinner from Sitar and I have to say, it was unequivocally the best Indian Food I’ve ever had in my life.  Even Todd, who thinks he does not like Indian food, took a break from his Chicken Parm sub we ordered seperately for him, and enjoyed a sample of Tiki Masala.  “I would eat this in a restaurant sometime.”  Horray!  A new option for date night!!

When I woke up this morning I was a little anxious because I have had the task of cooking and packaging dark chocolate candy cane fudge for my staff over my head for several weeks, and today it was finally time.  As delicious and cute a gift as fudge is to give, it is definitely a trigger food to me, and my eating has not been as clean as I would like it to be the last couple weeks.  I started the day off right and had this Vanilla Peanut Butter Smoothie.

• 1 cup Silk Orignal Flavor Soymilk
• 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder
• 1 Tbsp peanut butter
• dash of cinnamon
• 3 ice cubes

But even so, I did find myself compulsively sampling little slivers and crumbs of fudge, and started feeling a little panicky, sugar-drunk and sick, and called a dear friend  of mine who I knew would get it, for support.  We talked about how off kilter our body image and behaviors can become if we get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and shame, and ultimately made a plan to let it go and move on with the day healthfully and gently.   

“And you gotta remember, the holidays are bittersweet Claire,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah Ghiradelli bittersweet chocolate fudge with candy canes….I’m dying over here,” and we laughed.

I hung up the phone having moved from shameful, guilty, sick from the sugar, and anxious I wouldn’t stop eating it, to grateful that I had been able to get out of myself enough to acknowledge that support from someone like me would help me right then, and miraculously, the sugar craving and sick feeling of regret, was lifted.  This is a big deal for in my the sicker times of days gone by, I would never have asked for help situations like this.  Regardless of what our individual issue is, (mine is an eating disorder) I believe we all will always have skeletons in the closet who try to come out and visit from time to time.  I know that I handle my visitors differently at this point in my life, and it requires my doing things differently, not doing it alone, and sometimes being uncomfortable.

I love the Serenity Prayer, because it is truly a simple little formula for living, and you can apply it to any situation where you feel scared or unsure:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (In this case, eating the fudge I didn’t want to eat)….The courage to change the things I can (In this case asking for help to get through it, and continuing to make healthy loving choices for myself with no interuption–a nice nutritious dinner, and a good “Body for Life” workout in the morning)….And the wisdom to know the difference.”

I feel happier and more relaxed now that the treats are all packaged up and ready to go to go to my staff in the morning.  I have learned that when it comes to fudge, I get more pleasure from giving then from indulging.  An occassional treat can be a wonderful thing, but it’s pretty important to understand which foods you can be safe and healthy with, and which foods may lead you too far astray from where you wish to be.  I think I may have determined that I am a girl who has no business eating fudge.

It was an hour drive to Altamont, and I had never been to the studio before.  Or any studio for that matter.  For a week I had prepared.  I shopped.  I lurked in my closet.  I took test photos in the mirror.  All this excessive preparation for my website photoshoot, trying to determine what clothing sends what message, and what message matches what website….trying to not notice anxiety bubbling within…trying to just stay busy and focused.  My bags were packed.  3 shoe changes.  2 lipstick changes. 1 garment bag.  4 outfit changes.  2 CD mixes burned. 1 hip/hop, 1 classic rock.  1 laptop. 20  sample photos. 1 bottle of klonipin. 

I pulled up to the quaint little studio, which was more like a country photography gallery, and immediately felt my heart drop like a lead weight to the bottom of my stomach.  I whipped my head around to look behind my seat, my heart pounding.  No garment bag.  I picked up my Blackberry and texted something angry to Todd.  (as if he can do something about it.)  I lay my head on my hands and exhaled slowly. 

My legs felt like jelly as I walked up the front stairs.  The photographer’s wife swung the screen door open to a big welcoming smile.  I managed a week one back.  “you’re never going to believe this…” I said, and told them what happened. 

You see to some people, forgetting a garment bag of outfits is not a big deal.  To a hyper-planner-type-A-basket-case like myself, this was a tough one to bounce back from.  I released a few expletives, and George of George Laing Photography tolerated my mini tantrum without batting an eye.  His wife nodded sympathetically, and he smiled, amused by my rant while calmly fiddling with his  equipment.  Once the hot-air was mostly expelled from my lungs, I suddenly noticed the afternoon sun streaming into the seating area of this funky little shop, and I started to feel safe and grateful with this cool calm and collected couple.  Surrounded by art, and Kathleen and George hangin’ out in their jeans and sandals, I started to breathe again.  “Hey that’s a cool chair!” I remarked, returning to my baseline.  Little did I know that would lead to it being dragged to the back of studio, set up in front of the back drop, and becoming the prop in my favorite shot. 

My return to basic emotional regulation actually eventually evolved into full blown bliss.  All of the stress, anxiety, and insecurity I had carried for the last week melted away as this amazing photographer did his thing.  George, (along with the pleasant company of his lovely wife Kathleen) found the perfect balance of all the key components.  Reassurance with encouragement.  Open-mindedness with artistic assertion.  Friendliness without cheesiness.  My family laughed when I told them George asked me if I had done modeling before.  I get the sense that my family was not as surprised as I was that I harnessed my inner-diva during the photo shoot. 

I was so impressed with George, and that was before I saw the pictures.  Then I was just amazed.  For all the people who complimented my photos and told me how beautiful I look, George really brought out beauty in his shots.  I’m not saying I’m ugly or something, but I credit his talent for these gorgeous shots.  George and I are in discussions about some business ventures in the future.  Stay tuned to Evolution Counseling and Life Coaching’s /George Laing Photography’s special ”Self Love Photo Packages” because every woman deserves a day where she gets to feel this beautiful, and have the photos to prove it for the rest of her life. 

A funny postscript: On Saturday Todd and I went to the lovely wedding of a beautiful bride named Nancy, and her new husband Todd.  When my Todd and I pulled into the parking lot, unbeknowst to me, George my photographer of all people was there to photograph the wedding!  Not that this fact stopped me from impulsively leaping out of the car and screaming his name.  Todd grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back into the car.  “He’s working Clairey!!” he exclaimed, horrified, yet so not suprised.   It still hadn’t clicked for me that George leaning into a limousine with a camera might suggest that he’s busy.  “Hang on Claire, I’m working…” George calmly explained, and then I finally got it.  Anyway, George does weddings too, and he does an awesome job.